Every day, brilliant scientists make remarkable strides in the field of technology. For no charge, ordinary people can video chat with one another from opposite sides of the globe. Doctors can cure rare diseases that were once untreatable. Man can walk on the fucking moon. Clearly, scientists are committed to enriching and facilitating the human experience. So can someone please explain to me why it seems like not a single scientist is using his or her brainpower to make our sex lives better?
This morning, I read that Apple is planning on replacing a bunch of its human employees with robots. If Apple can use technology to replicate an actual human being, would it really be so hard for someone to invent a silent vibrator? Seriously. We are in the twenty-first century, people. Women shouldn’t still be muffling their sex toys under their bedcovers or behind the mask of loud music.
Automobile manufacturers can build cars that drive nearly soundlessly. So don’t you go telling me that you can’t apply the same technology to an electric penis.
And how about condoms? Don’t get me wrong – as much as I love watching “16 and Pregnant”, I am truly in favour of safe sex; but shouldn’t there be a less awkward and substantially sexier way for people to prevent pregnancy and STDs than literally putting a plastic bag over men’s dicks? Typhoid and Malaria are way rarer than common STDs, and yet the latter have simple preventative vaccinations and medications.
Listen, all you brainiac science people out there: you can stop working on the iPad 2. We didn’t even need the iPad 1. Just take a break from developing all of that stupid useless technology and give the people something they can REALLY enjoy.