Don Harris The 4 Reasons you workout

There are fundamentally simple reasons why humans feel the need to improve their bodies through a regiment of repeated muscular stress and cardiovascular rigour.

These reasons can be divided into four separate but related justifications for subjecting one’s self to such repetitive and seemingly beneficial self-flagellation. They are as follows:

TO GET LAID The primary reason for going to the gym. This is essentially the reason why anybody does anything. But working out might make you look more appetizing to the opposite sex. Surely, it couldn’t hurt. Also, working up a good sweat really helps your masturbation skills [and vice versa! -Ed].

DEFEND SELF/ANTAGONIZE OTHERS Either so you can go to the beach and kick sand in nerds’ faces or come to the rescue of said nerds in the face of meathead oppression. Everyone studies hard when they’re training for the Karate Kid crane showdown. We’re ninety eight pound weaklings no more. You’re gonna go to that gym every day after school and get jacked so you don’t have to keep coughing up your milk money. Or so you can rob that foreign new kid’s.

BE IN SHAPE This is really why you ought to lug your lazy ass to the gym. So that your arteries don’t become clogged like John Goodman’s gravy veins with malted hops and baby back rib fat. It’s an investment in your personal well being. If you can’t get down with that you should just cut to the chase and auto-erotic-asphyxiate yourself. There is no middle ground, there’s only opposite ends of the spectrum. Either be John Goodman or be Lance Armstrong, the choice is yours. I think my choice is obvious.

HARNESS YOUR CHI As Tyler Durden puts it in Fight Club: “Self-improvement is masturbation” We all want to do something that feels good just through the sheer self evidently goodness of it. Hopefully the work-out that the muscles get busy with leaves some time for the big muscle to regenerate. Was that a dick joke? You tell me. Tyler Durden was about to say something about self destruction but then he trailed off… Don’t get me wrong,

It’s not that I don’t love pumping my guns, gettin’ all lubed up and fierce with my morning workout, blasting LMFAO and eating my protein goo, I just have better things to do. Like doing Pilates while listening to Adele on Tuesdays before my peppermint chai tea and “Gossip Girl” boneramas. God, she is so talented. She is such a trooper.


Bill Murray in StripesWhat the hell's the matter with you?Stupid!We're all very dfnfereit people.We're not Watusi.We're not Spartans.We're Americans.With a capital A, huh?You know what that means?Do you? That means that our forefathers were kicked out of everydecent country in the world.We are the wretched refuse.We're the underdog.We're mutts.- Here's proof. His nose is cold.But there's no animalthat's more faithful that's more loyal, more loveable than the mutt.Who saw Old Yeller?Who cried when Old Yeller got shot at the end?Nobody cried when Old Yeller got shot?I cried my eyes out.So we're all dogfaces.We're all very, very dfnfereit.But there is one thing that we all have in common.We were all stupid enough to enlist in the Army.We're mutants.There's something wrong with us, something very, very wrong with us.Something seriously wrong with us.We're soldiers, but we're American soldiers.We've been kicking ass for 200 years!We're 10 and 1!Now we don't have to worry about whether or notwe've practiced.We don't have to worry about whether Captain Stillman wants to have us hung.All we have to do is to be the great American fighting soldier that is inside each one of us.Now, do what I do and say what I say and make me proud.- Fall in!

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