Don Harris The 4 Reasons you workout

There are fundamentally simple reasons why humans feel the need to improve their bodies through a regiment of repeated muscular stress and cardiovascular rigour. These reasons can be divided into four separate but related justifications for subjecting one’s self to such repetitive and seemingly beneficial self-flagellation. They are as follows:


The primary reason for going to the gym. This is essentially the reason why anybody does anything. But working out might make you look more appetizing to the opposite sex. Surely, it couldn’t hurt. Also, working up a good sweat really helps your masturbation skills [and vice versa! -Ed].


Either so you can go to the beach and kick sand in nerds’ faces or come to the rescue of said nerds in the face of meathead oppression. Everyone studies hard when they’re training for the Karate Kid crane showdown. We’re ninety eight pound weaklings no more. You’re gonna go to that gym every day after school and get jacked so you don’t have to keep coughing up your milk money. Or so you can rob that foreign new kid’s.


This is really why you ought to lug your lazy ass to the gym. So that your arteries don’t become clogged like John Goodman’s gravy veins with malted hops and baby back rib fat. It’s an investment in your personal well being. If you can’t get down with that you should just cut to the chase and auto-erotic-asphyxiate yourself. There is no middle ground, there’s only opposite ends of the spectrum. Either be John Goodman or be Lance Armstrong, the choice is yours. I think my choice is obvious.


As Tyler Durden puts it in Fight Club: “Self-improvement is masturbation” We all want to do something that feels good just through the sheer self evidently goodness of it. Hopefully the work-out that the muscles get busy with leaves some time for the big muscle to regenerate. Was that a dick joke? You tell me. Tyler Durden was about to say something about self destruction but then he trailed off… Don’t get me wrong, It’s not that I don’t love pumping my guns, gettin’ all lubed up and fierce with my morning workout, blasting LMFAO and eating my protein goo.

I just have better things to do. Like doing Pilates while listening to Adele on Tuesdays before my peppermint chai tea and “Gossip Girl” boneramas. God, she is so talented. She is such a trooper.


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