Victor Padula 7 Billion Assholes: The Triumph of Humanity!

This week, I’ve been gracing my readership with a wide assortment of what I’m certain are accurate predictions as to what faces human-kind now that we’re living in a world with seven billion people. If you’ve been reading all of my columns, you’ll have realized by now that population expansion isn’t really going to be as bad as people think: some folks will grow gills; Salsa dancing is going to make major inroads to the North American club scene; and all those racist, bible thumping, pillars of our shitball of a society will move up to the Arctic circle, where they belong.

In fact, it turns out that there will be virtually nothing to worry about in this brave new crowded future. Now I know some of you out there may be thinking “but Vic, superhuman mutants and Salsa dancing aside, won’t there still be a huge challenge providing enough energy and resources to over seven billion human beings?” If you happen to be one of the people thinking this, it’s probably because you’re stupid.

You see, the world’s population hitting seven billion people is actually the SOLUTION to all of the world's energy problems. How, you ask? Simple. Seven billion people may mean seven billion mouths to feed but it also means seven billion assholes. What do assholes produce? Sexual arousal. But what else? Why, shit of course. With the methane combustion technologies that already exist, seven billion assholes is the exact number of assholes needed to produce enough highly efficient, renewable energy to sustain society well into the 22nd century. Think of your asshole as the final piece in the puzzle that is this wacky perpetual-motion machine we call planet earth.

With that settled, you can see that even though the looming problems of energy consumption, global poverty and environmental destruction seem like big worries today, it’s pretty much a sure thing that they’re all just going to work themselves out. Which is great, because we were all pretty much living our lives as if that’s what was going to happen anyways. Have a great day everybody!

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