L Woods Advice for the Attached

I am the eternal singleton. I’m always single, I prefer to be single, and I write articles about being single for other singles to read. After having some chats with a friend of mine who is hopelessly in love, I now feel the need to write an article for people like her. In one of our many chats, after gushing non-stop about her boyfriend, she revealed to me that in the 8 short months that they’ve been together, she has put on fifteen pounds. FIFTEEN. POUNDS. She called it “relationship weight.” I almost cried for her.

I’m convinced that no matter how in love you think you are, or how long you’ve been un-single, there are parts of your single-self that you should never, ever let go of. PLEASE, for the sake of your health, your hot bod, and your relationship, keep these things in mind:

Never: let yourself go. When you’re single you have much more time to look after yourself. You’re hot and fit which explains how you find your future lovebird in the first place. I can never understand why, after the 4-month mark, stretchy pants become all the rage.  Remember, he loved you for you when you still put in an effort and cared about your health and overall appearance. He doesn’t have to love you for you when you now includes 15 extra pounds and an addiction to Doritos and Netflix.

Never: pee with the door open. This one makes me fucking rage. I really just don’t fucking get it. It doesn’t matter how comfy you two are with each other, it takes less than a second to close the door. Surely you guys can be in separate rooms for 2-minutes while one of you goes pee. It is never, ever necessary to force your significant other to listen to you relieve yourself. It’s fucking gross. You literally lose all sense of mystery, privacy, and sexiness. (Exception: Golden Showers, if you’re both into that kinda thing.)

Never: stop flirting. This one is so important. I don’t mean never stop flirting with each other because, let’s be honest, we all know you’re gonna end up finishing each other’s sentences and rolling your eyes at everything the other says. I mean never stop flirting with other people. It’s human nature and it’s so much fun. It’s also totally harmless. If you use the whole cold-hearted-bitch act on anyone who isn’t your significant other, you’re in for a rude awakening when the inevitable breakup happens and SURPRISE, you can’t get laid.

Stay hot and fun.


Yeah I don't think you're single by choice hon...

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