Hannah Star Anatomy of a Dumb Bitch

The world is filled with irritating people that I like to complain about. There are lots of different types of irritating people: the arrogant know-it-all; the flamboyant diva; the philosophical hipster...trust me, I could go on for days. But there’s one specific breed of irritating person that I’d like to talk about today: the dumb

Dumb bitches are everywhere. You know those drunken girls who shriek and laugh and fall down stairs and run around with their thongs hanging out? Dumb bitches. You know those girls who stand for forty-seven years in front of the salad bar trying to determine whether carrots or peppers have fewer calories? Dumb bitches. You know those girls who cry because their best friend might have said something mean to the friend of a guy who they maybe sort of have a crush on? Intelligent women. Just kidding – they’re dumb bitches.

Last weekend a girl I didn’t know very well drunkenly barrelled into my room. She threw herself on me, told me she was SO happy we were friends, and then demanded that I give her a snack.

Then she opened a box of cereal and managed to drop a million pieces of cereal onto the floor. Then she accidentally stepped on them, reducing them to tiny piles of sugary crumbs lodged into the fibres of my carpet. DUMB. FUCKING. BITCH.

The world would be a substantially less annoying place without dumb bitches frolicking about. The good news is that the dumb bitch is hardly ever a free-standing entity; it’s more often merely a facet of an individual’s personality. Give me a Friday night, some jell-o shots, set me loose at a shitty frat party, and the dumb bitch inside of me may even rear her stupid irritating head. So the next time you encounter a dumb bitch and your blood starts a-boilin’, just remember that like me, most dumb bitches are not dumb bitches the majority of the time. Like werewolves, they’ll transform back into human form soon enough. Just steer the fuck clear – and hide your cereal – until that time comes.

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