Moe Hunter Ask Moe: Appropriate Pregnancy Jokes

Why do guys cum in girls, and then make jokes about pushing them down a set of stairs if they get pregnant?

Question submitted by sablerichard

It seems like you’ve asked a question that, at its core, is: “Why are men mean to women when we do such nice things for them?” The lesser known corollary to that, however, is the inverse of that question, which is: “why are women so mean to men when we do such nice things for them”

You might be chuckling at your monitor in contempt, with your tweety-bird pajamas on, asking the boyfriend you don’t have “what do men do for us, exactly?”

Let’s not get into specific situations where we treat you like angels, but rather, let’s first quantify what benefit men provide women and then look at what benefit women provide men.*

Women are biologically wired to look for financial, emotional, and physical stability in a partner. If I were to set you up on a date with a wealthy hedge-fund manager who loves The Notebook, and participates in the New York Marathon, you’d be dripping, and begging me for his number.

With the possible exception of emotional stability, women can not achieve the same sense of relationship satisfaction by having these needs fulfilled by different men, rather, they maximize relationship efficacy by having just one partner.

On the flip side, however, the criterion a man looks for in a mate is wide hips and big breasts. Further, we are physiologically predisposed to try and get as many women pregnant as possible. 

Consequently, every time a man is in a monogamous relationship, he is betraying his body’s primal needs, whereas every time a woman is in a monogamous relationship, she is blissfully achieving her goals.

And you’re saying that you’re upset that guys make jokes about sexism?

Get over yourself.

Fifty percent of men get prostate cancer. Our orgasms last eight seconds, while women’s last thirty. Half of all men have erectile dysfunction at some point in their lives.

Finally, we put up with questions like these which make us believe that, no matter how hard we try; women are incapable of being loved.

Still we stay. Still, we stay.

*In order for my argument to work, you must believe in evolution, and evolutionary psychology. If you don’t, you’re probably fingerpopping yourself to a video of Bill O’ Reilly and updating your WordPress, and you’ve got bigger problems than accepting men for who they are.

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