Moe Hunter Ask Moe: If I ask "Am I in Yet?" Is She Too Loose?

My girlfriend has had several sexual partners in the past and now when we have sex I sometimes don’t feel like I am inside of her. I have asked “am I in you yet?” on several occasions. What should I do?

Question submitted by benstillerfaggot69

I think you’re frustrated that your girlfriend was a bit “loose” in the past, and now her vagina is as big as a clown car.

If it’s any consolation, you’re not alone. I mean, the dude before you was probably tired of having to fake an orgasm, and the dude that’ll bone her after you will likely harbor the same frustrations of fucking the Grand Canyon.

You guys should start a club.

That said, I’m reminded of a saying my father told me when I got rejected by this whore of a girl in middle school. He said “whenever you meet a pretty girl, remember that there’s a guy out there that’s gotten sick of fucking her.”

You’re just another cog in the machine. 

In this case, the cog is your penis, and the machine is Ms. Clown-Car-Vagina.

So what are you going to do? I mean, besides for bringing up vaginal rejuvenation surgery at the dinner table, your options are limited.

You could tell yourself that she’s a really nice girl and she has a great personality, but who are you kidding? Every time you see her, all you’ll be able to think of is her sad flappy excuse for a vagina. She might as well be wearing a sign around her neck that says “I’m nice, but have a potato sack for a vagina”. Maybe “My vagina can also be used for your pets to get in and out of doors safely”. Or something like that.

But I digress. You need answers. You came here for advice. God knows you cant come in her.

Listen, if you want to stay with her:

1. Stop watching porn. You’ll only continue comparing Clown-Car-Vagina to pornstars and start resenting her for not getting her anus bleached I mean come on it’s not that expensive and I’m willing to pay for it just grow up your friends don’t need to know.

OR

2. Start watching more porn. Now, I’m not talking about the sensual, romantic, or sexy porn. I’m talking about BBW massive ogres fighting Type II diabetes and using motorized scooters at Wal-Mart pornstars. Start watching overweight grannies doing it doggy style with Larry King. Start watching stuff from Germany. Start watching pornstars with craniofacial abnormalities. Really get into it.

That shit will make you appreciate what you have.

Trust.

Yours in Jesus,

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