Moe Hunter Ask Moe: Long Distance Sex Tips

My better half for the last year is in Denmark for the semester while I’m stuck in Connecticut. How can we keep things hot and heavy?

Question asked by J Hermann.

Dear, J.

Here at SANS Magazine, we pride ourselves on being able to solve all of man’s most troubling situations. You’re in good hands, J.

You see, J, your “better half” is cheating on you.

Allow me to explain Women’s Mentality 101.

If you refer to your girlfriend/wife as any of the following terms, they will think you’re a pussy and cheat on you.

Terms include, but are not limited to:

Sweetie, honeybee, bumblebee, anything with a ‘-bee’, muffin, lover, pumpkin pie, etc etc ad nauseam.

You see, girls are constantly testing you to see if you are masculine enough for them. Millions of years ago, women did this to find the strongest man to protect her from the elements. They looked for the strongest, beardiest, Michael Moore-iest, guy to shield themselves from the harsh winters and provide food for the family.

Now that we’re in 2013, in post-agrarian industrialized Western cultures, women have other “tests” to see if you are masculine enough.

One is how much you show your emotions. That test dates back to millions of years ago. If Caveman Nantucka was crying all day about the wooly mammoth he just killed, someone would see him crying and take advantage of him, and then steal the wooly mammoth for himself.

Too many emotions, and you lose the mammoth, is what I’m trying to say.

That being said, the fact that you referred to her as your “better half” means you already lost half the battle.

I say that you’ve lost half the battle, because if she wasn’t halfway across the world, you could still charm her with money and cars.

However, she is in Denmark.

Now, all I know about Denmark is that it’s near Amsterdam, and Amsterdam looked pretty nuts in Eurotrip, so odds are, she’s cheating on you.

It’s nature, shit happens.

Which doesn’t mean that you should go to a corner, cut yourself, and listen to Good Charlotte, it just means that you need to find an “interim girl”.

A sort of stepping stone girlfriend.

One that keeps you warm at night, and gives you long blowjobs.

That way, you’ll keep your libido in check, and when she comes back you can say you thought she was dead or something. Whatever, not really the point.

The point is, men have needs. When your girlfriend decided to dodge off to Amsterdam or Denmark or whatever country they wear dumb wooden shoes in, she left your sorry ass.

She fantasized about meeting the dude from the Riccola commercials and getting pregnant with Ivan Drago from Rocky IV.

She’s cheating on your ass.

Cheat on her ass.

When she comes back, she’ll say she never cheated. You’ll say you never cheated. You’ll be together another two months, and break things off anyways.

Don’t get too attached.


This is hilarious. Why? Because there's a lot of truth in it.

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