Moe Hunter Ask Moe: Monogamy, Yes/ No?

Why am I so scared about being in a commited relationship?

Question submitted by whentheboughbreaks

The worst thing about having terrorists ruling North America is that they would probably put me in the same bunker as my parents. Now, besides for the inevitable nudity, I know that the worst part of being in the same bunker as them would be that they’ll resort to the same parenting techniques that have made me so bitter.

“I knew this was coming. I warned you. But you didn’t listen. You never listen. You’re like a Nazi the way you act,” mom would say.

“Go to hell, ma.”

“You know your grandfather would spit on you if he saw you now,” dad would say.

“Fuck off, dad.”

But it would be far too late, the terrorists would have already heard me and would mutter something over the radio in Arabic. Three bearded men would drag my ass outside and bash my head in with a Quran.


You see, the only relationship I’ve ever had with my parents was a stressed one, and that became the baseline for any normative relationship I’ve ever had with people. Living at home for the first eighteen years of my life pretty much set that relationship standard as the one to which I’d compare all future relationships.

When I meet someone, I expect to feel guilty constantly. I expect to feel crippling shame for not taking enough care of myself or not eating enough. I expect my partner to give me a sneering grin and say “I told you so”.

I expect this because that’s what my parents did, and that’s what I thought was normal. And this is why sometimes I’m scared of being in a committed relationship.

By definition, when you’re committed you pretty much need to stick with that person for a while. And that makes my testes shrivel, because what if they start resembling my mother?

What if they start telling me that “the holocaust didn’t happen so you could go to a strip club” or “we didn’t wander 40 years in the desert so that you can have a slutty girlfriend.”

Then I’d be dating my mom and that would kill me.


Here’s the thing.

Stop being scared.

Some relationships work, and some don’t.

Don’t get too attached, but don’t close yourself off from potential relationships because you’re worried you might get hurt.

Don’t isolate yourself from another because they remind you of a shittier time.

I had an girlfriend once who liked The Flaming Lips. We listened to them all the time, and then she cheated on me and moved to Australia. Then, for about a year, every time I heard The Flaming Lips, I got pissed off.

Except one day I had a revelation. I realized that my ex was a dirty whore, and that The Flaming Lips had nothing to do with her.

So I downloaded their CD and rocked out to Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots, and it was awesome.

Lots of things will remind you of a worse time, but that is no reason to be scared of them.

As if you need any more convincing not to be scared, let me give you some more reasons why committed relationships are worthwhile:

  • Free sex.

You don’t need any more reasons.

Good luck.

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