Moe Hunter Ask Moe: Should I Wife My Slut?

Do men like sluts as wives?

Question submitted by lunaticdreams

When looking for a prospective vagina-for-life, a male has three options.

Mrs. Conservative Missionary:

These women are characterized by a lack of enthusiasm in the sex department, as evidenced by their almost non-existent libido. Also known as the “eighth-grader dilemma.” Words that come to mind are ‘dead fish’, and ‘missionary position’.

These women usually come from a religious home, and were taught since toddlerhood that men have syphilis and sex will make your vagina explode.

These types of women have something that is known more colloquially by its medical term; Penaphobia, or, the fear of penises.

They will likely only sleep with you if you promise to make them a baby, and even then, they’ll probably cry afterwards and make you watch My Sister’s Keeper.

These women tend to use sex as a bargaining chip, or leverage, to get you to do things you don’t want to do, like, visiting their grandparents, or having kids.

However, these women do have a very low rate of extra-marital affairs,  and that is admirable, even if their vaginas resemble bear traps.

Next, we have Mrs. Flexible Morals.

These women are the complete opposites of Mrs. Conservative Missionary.

These women will likely bring to the table a sexual appetite that you will not be able to control (read: satisfy). These women will teach you things you didn’t know could be done with a vagina, and will likely give you an STI.

These women are usually profoundly retarded in the wife department, and their behaviour is characterized by burnt food, lack of moral support, and marital infidelity.

Further, in my experience, it is these women that will slash your tires, or burn down your house, or burn down your house with you and your slashed tires inside.

Their allure, of course, is that “you never know what they’re gonna do” and they handle your bratwurst with the sort of experience only a skilled hooker has.

Finally, Mrs. Faithful Ball-Gag.

This is the sort of woman you want to marry.

These women have all the elements of Mrs. Conservative Missionary with regards to outward appearances. These women will tell her friends what a gentleman you are, talk about how you’re thinking about having babies, and pretends to like Martha Stewart.

However, when she is not lying to her friends in public, she turns into Mrs. Flexible Morals and has a sex drive that won’t quit.

To quote Aristotle, the perfect woman is “An angel in the kitchen, a devil in the bedroom.”

This is the woman that every man hopes for, but inevitably winds up with a mutant blend of the former two and lives an unhappy life, fraught with blue-balls and/or therapy.

Good luck,

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