How come I never get hit on?
Question submitted by eoporto
This afternoon I received an email with a detailed list of all the available horny teens in my neighborhood which I deleted without even reading. Curious, I opened an email titled “Having a hard time at university?” and was presented with a pretty young Asian with a footlong dildo thrust in her ass.
I rolled my eyes, and read an email from my uncle.
Autocomplete in my browser finishes the URL for me so that when I type the letter ‘Y’ the first suggestion is youporn.com. On other sites, a medieval-looking chick with ample boobage tells me that I can “play with her discretely”.
I roll my eyes, and type in The Huffington Post.
I walk through the corridors of my university and see women with sweatpants with the word “Juicy” stamped on their asses. I turn on the radio and hear Howard Stern asking pornstars how deep they can shove a hotdog down their mouth.
I roll my eyes, and switch to the local news.
I remember when I was in university in Jerusalem, I drove down to Egypt for two weeks and encountered the most religious Muslims I’ve ever met.
Needless to say, they were dressed pretty conservatively.
I remember what a thrill it was to catch a glimpse of a bra strap from a poorly fitted burqa. I remember the half-on I got from seeing an underwear outline on a girl that’s only visible body part is her eyes.
Things were different there.
I yearned to see a bare thigh.
I yearned to see a thong.
I’m getting hard just thinking about it.
Then, when I left Egypt and entered Israel, I saw signs pointing to a nude beach. I went there, and didn’t sport a woody the whole time. I wasn’t attracted to all the skin. It was too readily accessible.
There was no mystery.
The trick to getting a man is making him think he can’t get you, and the best way to do that is by dressing seductively conservatively.
While women might think that the low-cut top that draws attention to their heaving swingers is a real stud-magnet, they actually don’t want to be attracting the douchenozzles that are only in it for the nip.
They don’t know that the good guys are willing to work a little bit to get inside those jammies.
Now, don’t go putting on grandma’s floral print robe and a cardigan and go to a bar thinking “The Men Guide told me if I dress more conservatively I’ll be able to bag some smoking hot man-sausage.”
All I’m saying is that the mystique of a girl that respects her body outshines the sparkly-skinned stripper every time.