Kyle Towers The Attempted Reform of Men

When it comes to grooming, etiquette and fashion there is an elite group of visionary women and homosexual men who are in full control of what is considered socially acceptable. These pundits have taken the raw, unfiltered man and have slowly stripped him down, transforming him into a metrosexual, hipster-looking fucker. 

According to them and now the rest of society, it is a major faux pas for men to have a hairy back, wear a pair of cargo pants, and put their feet up on the table. If you’re a man with said characteristics– stand your ground. This movement is just another large-scale way in which women are trying to change us. I say, dress and groom the way you want and as long as you aren’t hurting anyone, exercise etiquette the way you want too.

I should not be scrutinized or posted onto peopleofwalmart.com for this fashion choice.

Fashion

I won’t lie- I often dress fresh-to-death, but sometimes I get out of the house in pajama pants. I should not be scrutinized or posted onto peopleofwalmart.com for this fashion choice. My PJs are stretchy and comfortable and your high-heels are bad for your posture and impractical. Yet I’m considered the loony eccentric?

Grooming

The discontent I feel when my mother shaves my poor dog into a show dog is the same discontent I feel when I hear of a man waxing his chest. I, for one, try to disobey this social standard mostly out of spite by rocking an epic bush of pubic hair. As it turns out, this defiant act has also served to be practical for keeping my stuff safely nestled and warm during our winter months. Not to mention, a lot of women still have an animalistic attraction to barbaric looking men, which can and has led to the type of sex Nine Inch Nail’s Trent Reznor describes in his song “Closer”. 

Etiquette

People need to get over themselves. Alright, so I don’t know which fork is for which dish; who gives a shit? I’m an animal about to eat some food with my hands and if this offends you then you’re probably a pompous, self-righteous douche. I’ll tell you what; I’ll stop obnoxiously blowing bubbles in my chocolate milk if you stop whinging when you see me drink my soup.

Always remember, no matter how much we try and reform ourselves into this proper and tasteful man, we are still animals. It shouldn’t be a bad thing to be tenacious with your inner beast. Man up and try it out, because damn, it feels good to be a caveman. It can take a lot of courage to rock a unibrow, so if you see a man with such- shake his hand.

Comments

I'm a girl and I like guys with hairy backs. How about that!

I liked this article, and definitely agree with some points. I cringe when a guy shaves or waxes his chest, chest hair is so sexy. On the other hand, wearing pajama pants in public is a sin and I cannot allow you to carry on doing this. Please stop.

What if I told you they were Mario Kart pajama pants?

In that case, I will be stealing them.

This article is great. Finally someone who can articulate my feelings on this topic whilst being witty, informative and to the point. I was born with these instincts and have felt strongly about them my entire life, I even managed to marry and impregnate a raging babe whilst sticking to these caveman ways. Unfortunately my thought process is like that of a caveman and I often just make sounds instead of real words until I get to my next meal, when all I want to say is what has been said here. When I thought all hope was lost, you sir, have given me hope as to the sort of man my son could grow to be. I will now frequent this online magazine after reading this piece. Gods Speed to you and your future articles Kyle Towers.

Be who you want to be, dress how you want to dress, and groom how you want to groom! Someone will like you for you and if they don't, fuck em!

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