Kyle Towers The Awkwardness of Boners

The boner is a very effective vessel in efficiently and enjoyably transferring sperm into the opposite sex for procreation. Unfortunately, the penis has a mind of its own causing it to often become excited in inopportune and inappropriate instances. These occurrences, if not handled correctly, can lead to incredibly awkward moments. 

Now men, remember: we are vile beasts and the media would love nothing more than to catch us with an awkward boner, point us out and expose us as the shameful beings we are. So below, I have created a plan of action known as SOFT (Sense, Order, Fend and Treat) in order to pre-empt these character assassinations.


Learn your penis’ likes and dislikes.

By understanding what might set your little buddy off, you will be better prepared in defending yourself. Albeit, this is quite a challenging feat, especially because most of us haven’t the slightest clue as to everything our penis is into and its tastes are perpetually adapting. For example, I didn’t know I was into interplanetary sex until I watched the movie Avatar. Oh Neytiri, if only our sex parts were compatible.

Learn the danger zones.

Learn and predict areas that are more likely to cause a reaction. Similarly to the first point, by understanding where the likelihood of getting into trouble is beforehand, you can better prepare yourself. For me women's sporting events are a major danger zone. Even more so, women’s strip clubs are a major danger zone.


Don’t wear loose or stretchy fitting pants.

It is almost impossible to hide a chubby in a pair of sweatpants. You’re going to want to wear pants with a material non conducive to the creation of tents. Denim jeans are usually your best bet. If you have roommates, you might even want to reconsider pajama pants in your own bed. It isn’t uncommon to wake up with your sheets and blanket strewn off and your erect penis poking through the flap of your PJs. And there is no way of defending from this. For most guys, morning wood happens every morning. My alarm will go off and I’ll wake up in the midst of saving the whales with a super powered crime fighting league which consists of the Beach Boys and I’ll have a case of severe morning wood. This can be very psychologically damaging, but its trauma can be lessened if your roommates aren’t watching you as you shout out in your sleep, “Another job well done, Brian Wilson!”, while having a full on rager.

Masturbate before all social events.

Temporarily clear your mind of the constant and relentless need of sex. This should give you at least a solid two hours in which you are safe.


Mentally talk yourself out of it.

If a boner should arise, do not panic or try and choke it- that will make matters worse. Calmly fill your head with thoughts that are completely non-sexual. I sometimes like to ridicule and belittle my penis by saying something like: “You’re not about to get laid, bro. So just take it down a few notches.”

Don’t approach anyone.

When hard, it is best if you hide yourself in a corner. You are a shameful, barbaric animal and should be hidden away from the rest of humanity. Seek forgiveness by ritualistically washing your sins away by furiously scrubbing your hands and spilling the blood of a sacrificial goat


Masturbate again.

You’ve either been out in the world too long without ejaculating or you’re a sexual deviant. You need to clear your head again.

And again.

It’s never a bad idea to get another one in for good measure.

Use my advice and stay SOFT! Don’t let a picture of you with an erection at the zoo go viral. I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt in that it wasn’t the fornicating red-bottomed baboons that got you going, but the rest of humanity likely won’t.

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