Victor Padula Baby Boomers: The Fucking Worst

Everybody has that one uncle: bald on top but still desperately clinging to his pony tail; stupid round John Lennon glasses; tassels from his ludicrous suede cowboy jacket blowing in the wind. I know how annoying it is when he talks about how he personally stopped the vietnam war, but he’s actually one of the least douchey people of his entire generation. At least his fear of growing old and dying has helped him to hold on to the last vestiges of a somewhat progressive— albeit trite and simplistic— liberal ideology. It’s that very ideology that makes him overcompensate when he meets your brother’s new boyfriend and hug him way too hard. It also kept him from telling your parents when he caught you smoking pot at sixteen. It’s lame as hell, but at least he’s making an effort.

It’s not exactly breaking news that the boomers have made a mess of our planet. What a lot of you probably haven’t considered is how much worse they’re still going to make it. As they grow old and fat, they also grow more scared, angry and boring. The broader implications of this trend will diffuse through society in a manner similar to how the smell of shit and piss diffuses through the understaffed nursing homes where many boomers currently house their parents.

Politics:

Winston Churchill famously said “Show me a young conservative and I’ll show you someone with no heart. Show me an old liberal and I’ll show you someone with no brain. Also, he probably has high blood pressure and a limp dick.”

I think the point old mutton chops is trying to make here is that as people get older, they need to surround themselves with more shit: shit to keep them from dying, and shit to help them forget that they’re gonna fucking die. Soon. Now, as any leading economist will tell you, shit costs money. You think they want to waste it paying taxes? So some single mom can put her kid into a free daycare? Why would they do that when they’ll be long dead before that kid ever has a chance to grow up and end up in a Girls Gone Wild video? I don’t blame the old bastards: it’s just common sense. Same thing with the environment— no need for clean air when worms are eating your face. That being said, as more boomers move into this 70+ “asshole demographic,” more tax cutting, service cutting politicians will get elected into office— surely making life shittier for the rest of us.

Culture:

Remember the Golden Girls? What about Murder She Wrote? Everybody under 60 knows those shows totally sucked, but what’s going to happen when a majority of the North American audience is shitting into adult diapers? Dust off those tits Shelly Long, I smell a comeback.

For the most part, previous generations of elderly people have taken their steadily worsening hearing and arthritis problems as a sign that it might be time to slow down a little bit: take up gardening, get really into woodworking— you know, wholesome old people shit. Unfortunately, I’m fairly certain that a good many boomers will fail to take their cue.

This is due to something that I like to call the still got it phenomenon. It’s this phenomenon that makes a 67 year old woman think that she’s pulling off those yoga pants and the bad dye job. It’s also what makes old dudes insist that they can still keep up “with you young guys” in a game of touch football. The fallout from this phenomenon will be considerable: hips broken; egos bruised; boners forever deflated at the sight of stretch pants.

It’s not going to stop there; Streets clogged with annoying tourist buses; restaurants closing at five p.m.; another thirty years of Rolling Stones tours. I’ve seen the future: it likes sweat pants and power walking. It also has a gunt.

Add new comment

Plain text

  • No HTML tags allowed.
  • Web page addresses and e-mail addresses turn into links automatically.
  • Lines and paragraphs break automatically.
By submitting this form, you accept the Mollom privacy policy.