Paul Parillo Bacon Me Crazy*

What a bunch of manipulative assholes! There hasn’t been this much atrocious propaganda since Goebbels’s horrid reign in European cinema. The National Pig Association of the United Kingdom - also known as “TNPAOTUK” for short – spread hateful words across news feeds about the current status of pork in the world, not to mention that an unavoidable bacon shortage was imminent. So naturally, the internet went into an uproar, where even notable publications got on the bacon bandwagon to promulgate this saddening trend. 


At first, the only articles discussing the matter were merely increasing the fear mongering, and no one had yet prepared their armor for rebuttal. It was a difficult time for me (and most people I’m sure), and I almost didn’t want imagine a world without bacon, let alone how I would react to such a reality - but I did, 'cause I had the time.


I could almost guarantee the first few days would mostly consist of pacing my apartment while vehemently denying that such a situation could occur. Eventually the truth would set in, and although the bacon replacements (tofu bacon, turkey bacon, human flesh, back bacon) were present to make an attempt at satiating my greasy lust, there would ultimately be no remedy. Whether or not I took my own life or that of many other innocent people, much blood would be spilt on account of this loss – and it would be “TNPAOTUK” to blame.


Who knows, they might be sitting in their high chairs right now laughing at the world and everyone who believed their lies. I can almost see the Execs lying naked in their head office gently draping a mixture of cooked and uncooked pieces of bacon across each other’s faces as an act of self deprecation in front of their swine gods. Disgusting creatures, those damn Execs.


Alas, the lies ceased, like the decision to continue being shirtless while frying bacon; the idea that a bacon shortage was unavoidable, became defunct. Turns out, the problem’s genesis was the lack of corn due to a recent draught. The corn (as it’s used in almost everything) became practically non-existent and therefore raised the price of the feed that’s given to the pigs. The price became high enough that the farmers had no choice but to raise the price of their pigs and consequently, the bacon packagers had to follow suit. Oh no, the price of bacon will go up – there was no uproar (also no illegitimate insinuations made) when this very same thing happened four years ago.


In conclusion, we can’t do much about mother nature and how that ole’ bag handles our crops; we’re at her mercy. As long as there’s some honest journalism to help cull the pain from ceaseless liars, then problems like this will be fewer and less predominant (with regards to information, of course). So worry not my fellow bacon lovers, our greasy path to glory has been tainted not.      

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