Hannah Star The Bad Kisser Survival Guide

So you’ve been crushing on this guy for a long time. Maybe you work with him, maybe he’s in your Spanish class, or maybe he’s your Starbucks barista. You see him every day; he’s super cute and super nice. You’d really, really like to hook up with him. And then finally, by some miracle, it actually happens. Your head is spinning and little fireworks go off in your chest and goodness gracious, you’re so happy it’s finally happening............until you kiss.

A horrible, cringe-inducing first kiss is usually a sure-fire sign to GET THE FUCK OUT, regardless of how hard you’ve previously been crushing on the person (and realistically, any crush you ever had on the person will probably evaporate from the moment he accidentally bites through your lip anyways). I’m giving you this advice from personal experience; hooking up with an awful kisser can scar you for life.

I had my own truly traumatizing make-out experience when I was seventeen. The guy I liked seemed totally cool; he was good-looking, smart, sweet, and seemed to really like me, too. But then...as soon as we were alone in my basement, and he leaned in for the kiss...well, he transformed into something that I can only compare to a vacuum cleaner, a CPR instructor, or a Dementor from Harry Potter.

Seriously, I thought that this guy was trying to suck my soul out through my face. You know that something’s not working when both of your lips are somehow inside the other person’s mouth. Ugh. I’m shuddering just thinking about it. It was so wet. And then the vacuum-mouth worked its way down to my neck and wreaked its suckage there...let’s just say the girl who never wears make-up was suddenly forced to buy a LOT of cover-up. It was a truly terrible experience – one that I wish I had ended before the guy had a chance to taste the entirety of my face with his tongue.

The tragedy of finding yourself in a bad first kiss is a pretty horrifying situation; it’s a hard one to know how to remedy. If you’re in it for the long haul – I mean, if you’re looking to start a relationship with this guy – then it might be worth it to stick it out. Unless they’re COMPLETELY incompetent in the field of making out, most people can be trained to kiss well. It takes some time, but if you’re really into the person, you’ll probably have the necessary patience. But if you’re only looking for a one-time hook up, then take my advice to heart; ditch the guy, and save yourself a lifetime of nightmares involving vacuum cleaners and horny CPR instructors.

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