Joe Thomson Bars are Too Loud, Bathrooms Too Quiet*

What? What was that? Uh…Yah. 
After failing to decipher what the person across from you just said for the second or third time, you have to give up and vaguely respond affirmatively. This has defined ninety percent of my experiences at bars over the last few years. 

Having a conversation is next to impossible in this environment; in fact, it seems as though the environment is specifically designed to impede verbal communication of any kind. Seems odd to me, I thought bars were supposed to be a place where you could go and chat, maybe meet new people, or maybe even pick up a transient hooker and several STD’s along with her. 

Now, I’m not even talking about clubs - obviously those are for people who want to dance and hopefully slip a digit on an underage girl whose probably named Amanda. I understand clubs have to be obnoxiously loud and glittery to attract girls who just want to be groped by someone other than their stepfather, and in turn males who are okay with being semi-hard for hours on end. But bars? Bars are for drinking. Bars are for reminiscing, and laughing, and most of all, talking. Why does every bar I go to now have huge speakers or a shitty live band three feet away from the table I’m at? Does anyone want this? Is this just me? Am I sounding like a slightly more sexually confused Andy Rooney?

The irony is that while the bar rooms are loud, the bathrooms are always incredibly quiet.  The one place I would like some ambient noise or a band playing is in the bathroom. Not the case. You can hear every plop, every sigh, every fart, everything the person who is a foot away in the next stall is expelling from their body. I could do without hearing that the next time I went into a stall. Who’s with me?

And what if I wanted to bring that transient hooker into the bathroom and have my way with her wrinkled mitt? Having some loud music in there would save some patrons from hearing the traumatic sounds of my grunting, her bones creaking, and the subsequent sobs that followed my unfulfilling orgasm. That’s just my observation on the most important issue facing the world today.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a free clinic I need to get to.

 

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