Don Harris THE BIG BAD

 All the kiddies’ movies lately are about citizens with shitty corrupt fucking mayors that mash the whole flex of the town. And then the whole town blames it on the mayor instead of themselves. People! This democracy ain’t workin’. This is fucking wiping our shitty asses with our ballots. We need to stop voting for such nefarious cartoon mayors! And we should take some of the blame for it, us, the impressionable townspeople.

Pretty much every kid’s movie has an ultimate bad guy: THE BIG BAD, whose mission it is to stop the hero from doing what it is he wants (or rather needs) to do. Actually, his initial motivation is just to keep collecting fat cat cheques but then some idealistic go-getter comes along to shake things up. But THE BIG BAD invariably fails..

Lately in kidfilm I’ve noticed that the ultimate bad guy is more often than not the mayor or de facto leader of those poor saps; the 99 percent. The puppet master mayor has an easy enough time duping his townspeople until the status quo is thrown for a loop by the hero and, don’t worry, THE BIG BAD always eats a bag of cocks at the end. This is sort of the problem.

It seems somewhat shitty in movies when everyone turns against the Big Bad; the henchmen and the people who elected the henchmen take no accountability for their actions. We need the BIG BAD as a necessary function, as a way to extricate ourselves from a sticky situtation, a slippery dilly of a pickle.  Just like Hitler; that dude didn’t fuckin’ murder all those people himself, did he? The chess master has to get the whole society complicit in the scheme. If this offends a German person, strudles and steins are on me.

I’ve been doing a lot of psilocybin mushrooms lately and watching kids movies. Three examples of sweet kids movies from the last couple years, pretty successful and funny ones by the way, are TOY STORY 3, RANGO and most recently THE LORAX. DESPICABLE ME sucked dick. For shame, Steve Carell, for shame.

In TOY STORY 3, Woody et al. are kicked out of the kid's room because he goes to college. They are forced to live in a daycare with a society of toys presided over by LOTSO THE BEAR, a good old boy with (seemingly) everyone’s best interests at heart.

In RANGO, Johnny Depp the Lizard stumbles into the town of DIRT where the town mayor BEANS (Ned Beatty fresh from his latest hillbilly rape-a-thon and apparently fucking rattled about it) also “does right by the town” in hiring Johnny as the sheriff. BEANS has designs on the town’s water supply like Noah Cross in CHINATOWN and manipulates the shit out of everyone to control it.

In THE LORAX (which by the way fucking ruled) Thneed-ville, a walled city, is reigned over by the Mayor ALOYSIUS O’HARE (awesomely played by Michael Madsen) who also owns a bottled air monopoly, cuz everyone needs that shit. He tries and fails to crush Zach Efron’s investigations into the Once-Ler’s dirty laundry.

These movies are about the scarcity of resources and the greed of the higher ups . But I’m also thinking these fictional pawns-the townspeople- get off a little easy. In each of these movies, the public becomes aware of the private sectors various crimes against them. In each of these movies, THE BIG BAD has to take the fall. It’s not the fact that the shitty greedy assholes who head the corporations meet their maker at the end that bugs me, it’s the fact that the screenwriters can’t even show that, maybe the fictional public is even a smidgeon culpable for electing neo-capitalist assholes who are also idiots.

Maybe I’m victimizing the poor sluts like a lean mean Rush Limbaugh here but as Walter says in THE BIG LEBOWSKI (the ultimate movie about the ultimate slippery BIG BAD), “she kidnapped herself, dude, you said it yourself.” Take some fucking credit, you fictional milquetoasts, for getting yourselves screwed over!

Fucking OCCUPY CARTOONS activists.


Now you are going to miss out on all the page views that Hoppy would have gotten you. That could have been in the high teens eestnsially doubling your daily hits.

Way to spell, no spell..

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