Paul Parillo Binge drinking: What the Fuck is Wrong with us?

Ever since the time of prohibition, there have been far too many inconclusive studies with mysteriously conclusive results – all of which have lead to the many varying definitions of what constitutes binge drinking. We embarrassingly read the results of such studies and contemplate whether or not we fit nicely into the various harmful molds that seem to know and predict our behaviour as the ruthless binge drinkers we are. Such studies should ignite the ad populum fire inside of us – either that, or simply drinking away the statistics should suffice. 

The CDC – Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (which I suppose the accurate acronym would be CDCP, damn drunks) has been the haymaker of purporting this kind of statistical evidence. According to them, binge drinking is when a human being consumes more than 4 or 5 alcoholic beverages in one night. That is a frightening definition, and it’s one that perfectly describes the pastimes of most 18-34 year olds in North America. And the reason it sounds so frightening is because of the negativity associated with binge drinking – car accidents, injuries to other people, suicide, death, contraction of AIDS/HIV, etc. 

Knowing such things, how can we possibly continue living this devastatingly destructive lifestyle? 

To put it simply, it’s not that difficult – and no matter what guilt-stricken advertisements and statistical strife are weaponized for mass consumption, the enjoyment of binging far exceeds in positives than negatives. Without binge drinking, places like McDonalds, Taco Bell, various pizza joints, 711, Subway (if you're desperate), etc., would probably go out of business. And good luck trying to engage a hottie in conversation if all you’ve had is two bouts of liquid courage to extinguish your inhibitions and timidity. Plus, there’s little else a person can claim as their first experience with maturity when you can fully realize and recommend different beers or spirits – and by golly, there’s no way your taste buds would’ve matured either without drinking a multitude of different alcohols several times a night.

It’s no question that binge drinking can lead to life-threatening situations, but one might argue that binge drinking could even be safer than only drinking the CDC allotted 1-3 drinks in an evening. If in every party atmosphere you had only 1-3 drinks, people would think you were strange; you’d lose friends, grow up feeling insecure, probably become a Jehovah, and eventually kill yourself out of self hatred and confusion. You’re better off not drinking at all – people don’t usually ask why someone doesn’t drink (they assume it’s something awful and avoid the conversation entirely). At least then people will think you’ve got a reason - and it’s not one dictated by a questionable and grossly inflated focus group. 

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