Frankie Diamond Cheaters Inc.

Cheating is an inevitable fact of life. Like dysfunctional students cribbing their way through mid-terms, all of us will succumb to our baser instincts at some nadaristic point in existence. Even Donald Trump knows life ain’t fair so there’s no harm in us plucky proletariats getting a head start in the rat race. Trains help to get you there, but they’re rather expensive. Cutting corners is a great way to get even with the ridiculous pace of inflation.

See that transit worker dozing off at the booth? Now’s your chance to score a free ride, but you might want to drop a dime in the box just so it looks good on camera. What about those annoying drugstore photocopiers that screw up your emergency print job cos you’re not sure how to place the document on the screen? Worse yet, the store expects you to pay for the machine’s mistakes. What would Trump do? I shouldn’t have to tell you. Dispose of the defectibles and pay for the ones that come out crisp. Those screw-ups won’t be coming out of Gladys’ paycheck so the Guilt Police can go to hell.

We all know that board games are notorious hotbeds of unmitigated dishonesty. That’s when you get to see the truely conniving nature of your dearly beloved friends. Nothing brings serial cheaters out of the woodwork quite like Monopoly. If you don’t pay attention, some cocky bastard will swipe an extra house to up his real estate value on Park Avenue, only to end up losing everything to your 12 year old nephew.

Confessing his crime to absolve guilt in the aftermath only serves to make him look like the despicable slime you always thought he was. And what if your partner refuses to have sex with you for months because of some passive-aggressive punishment scenario that leaves you writhing in hormonally challenged agony? By all means, bag that half-drunk hottie at the bar – time will take care of the rest. Cruelty to animals is a crime and so is the psychological torture of your lover’s gonads.

See, we are taught to view cheating as lowdown, scumbag behaviour when in fact, it is absolutely justifiable under certain circumstances. Oh and by the way, Karma’s going to kick the shit out of you later, so you might as well enjoy that free ride while you can.


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