Hannah Star College Kids gone wild(ly stupid)

As each weekend passes by on my rural college campus, I’m continuously more dumbfounded by the disgusting and idiotic shit that people do when they’re drunk. Lately, the drunken shenanigans have reached the extent that our administration has had to take action, sending weekly memos to the student body that list the alcohol-related mishaps that occurred each weekend prior.

Here was the shocking highlight of last week’s memo: one intoxicated student, in a residence hall that wasn’t his or her own, “defecated on an area rug,” according to the email. That’s right. Defecated. On a rug. THIS PERSON TOOK A SHIT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FLOOR.

Okay, now I’m no party pooper. I like my alcohol. I really do. I usually go out at least two nights a week. And as I’m allergic to the gluten that’s in beer, my drinking options are confined to a strict diet of hard alcohol. But in all my experiences with alcohol – no matter how drunk I’ve been at any point in my high school and college careers – I have never, ever, had the desire to break things, hurt people, or expel bodily waste in public. That is just fucking out of line.

According to the memo, other people broke windows, residence hall furniture, and even stole laptops from various students’ common rooms. Now, some people argue that alcohol makes them do things that are out-of-character. But personally, I’m of the belief that alcohol makes people more inclined to do and say the things they really feel (I, for example, just become extra horny when I’m drunk). So all jokes about poop-covered area rugs aside, it genuinely freaks me out that there’s so much latent aggression and destructivity amongst college student bodies. What is going on here?

I fear for the day these people graduate and realize that what’s “cool, bro” in college is actually “severe alcoholism” in the real world. Cheers!

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