Kyle Towers The Condom: +85 Defence, -99.9% Respawn Rate

In the epic battle of penis versus vagina, the condom truly is the ultimate ally. Unfortunately, it gets a much undeserved bad rap. It protects humanity from the spread of sexually transmitted diseases/infections and unplanned pregnancies and all people have to say is how much they despise them.

The condom reminds me of a superhero who saves the planet, but the city dislikes because the superhero is portrayed as a villain.

It even goes out of its way to cater to people: glow in the dark, lubricated, ribbed for her pleasure...

Imagine a world without this unsung latex hero?


C is for Control of Population

You think 7 Billion is a lot of people? Without condoms, people would have their spawn running about all over. It would be like the overcrowded parts of Asia, Africa, and the TTC, but global. You would literally be finding people everywhere... In your closets, under your bed, in your bathtubs... Everywhere.

O is for Opportunity

It gives people a chance to take as long as they want to figure themselves out, find a career, and, if applicable, mooch off their parents longer while still being able to fuck like a bunny.

N is for No Baby

Yes, babies are awesome, but if you don’t want one- they kind of suck. No, but seriously, babies are the best. Especially when you are like super stoned and feel like you are on the same level as them.

D is for Disease Protection

They can’t protect against everything, but you’ll definitely have a lot more peace of mind the next time you sleep with that girl you found in a men’s washroom at that grimy bar you go to because it has cheap drinks.

O is for Orgasm in a Bag

This sack of your man-juice makes a great gift for a significant other.

M is for Mature Ejaculation

You will probably be able to last longer than you have the cardio for. Women usually like that.

So remember, the next time you go out and explore- it’s you and your rubber buddy versus the world!

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