Kyle Towers Dang 90s Kids

Are you one of those dang 90s kids? If so, I have a couple things to say to you:



Did you know that around the time you were born the Toronto Blue Jays stopped winning?

Now that I’ve got your attention -- I have some more stuff to say. And you better listen to your elder!

I’ve seen the way you strut about buried in your headphones, and giving me lip with your eyes. Nothing holds your attention; you’re completely desensitized to awesome. Alright, so maybe my MTV generation is pretty lethargic too, but you guys are the worst. They could hurl a man from space towards Earth having him reach speeds faster than sound, and you would describe the feat as “underwhelming”.

And then it hit me.

Maybe you apathetic 90s kids are what humanity needs. You will force society to attempt unprecedented heights hoping to raise eyebrows and inadvertently spike our evolutionary progress.

I mean, I think I speak for everyone when I say it’s time to evolve. I’ve grown tired of existing as a mouth-breathing human with a shitty memory and a bad back. I’m ready to be a cyborg already.

Dang 90s kids…

The only thing keeping them from getting scurvy is Sunny D.

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