Kyle Towers Dearest Katy Perry

I’m in love with you Katy Perry.

And I really shouldn’t be. You’re probably completely fabricated. You probably can’t sing, can’t write, and can’t play any instruments. Heck, I wouldn’t be surprised if your hair wasn’t actually blue.

When I see you my good judgement tells me to look away, but my heart beats to the sampled beat of your music.

Now, that all being said, I’m ready to put my heart on the line for you.

I don’t care about the money. If we get together, I can support myself by continuing to live at home with my parents. I have a sweet job at a retail store and I think I have a real shot at a promotion there. Okay, so my gifts won’t be what you’re used to. But Katy, I’m very creative. I’ve been making confectionary items for mom for years, so I have lots of practise.

You can sleep with other guys. I get it, Katy. I understand the lifestyle. You need to advance your career. You need to create media coverage and gossip. Plus, you have the chance to sleep with movie stars- which is very hard to abstain from. Even if you want to bring home George Clooney and you want me to have a three-way with you and Georgy-boy. I’ll do whatever. I just want you to be happy.

I don’t care about the lifestyle. I get nervous around people; especially famous people. If you took me to one of your flashy parties I would probably hang around the food table and talk to Ellen DeGeneres. She seems very non-threatening.

You can tell the world you’re single. Just hide me away. No one needs to know. I can be your Hunchback of Notre Dame hidden up in your attic. The world wants the illusion that you’re single.

You can wear the pants in the relationship. Make me your bitch. Use me and abuse me. It might deeply disturb my soul, but I just love you so much. If it made you happy, then underneath the tears I would be happy as well.

I’ll convert to your religion. I’ve already been baptised as a Christian, so if you’re still considered as such, there wouldn’t be too much paperwork for me to become a born again Christian. And if you’re an apostate, then consider me one too.

I’ll take your last name. I have a pretty sweet last name, but I’ll give it up along with my father’s respect. I’ll even change my first name. Hell, I’ll tattoo the words “I’m Katy’s bitch” on my forehead.

I tried to cover as much as possible, but I also do requests, Katy. I’ll do whatever you want.

Anyway, the ball’s in your court. Until then, I’ll be waiting by my window at least until the next pop sensation surfaces. In fact, Rihanna if you’re reading this, this all applies to you too. And actually it also applies to Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Lady Gaga, and Justin Beiber. Whichever- you girls can all talk amongst yourselves and decide -- I’m easy.

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