Ah, harlotry, the oldest and in this author’s humble estimation most noble of the barrel bottom careers, the others being robbing, stealing, petty extortion and second degree murder.  But is a simple, old fashioned, hand- journey prostitution? Is paying for an old-fashioned even something that sounds like a good time?

The trouble with hand-jobs is that committed adults in long term relationships don’t perform them because they are a) inefficient b) typically uninspired and c) there’s no hand like the one I got. Paying for a hand-job is just like the worst thing you can do with your money. 

This, admittedly, is an exaggeration.

Let’s be clear what we’re talking about here. A man looking for a release goes to a massage parlour and after his back is massaged he turns around and then his penis is massaged. This is the gist of a “rub and tug” as the kids say. The legality of this practice is the same as gays in the military: don’t ask don’t tell. 

What’s the first rule of hand journeys?

 Do not talk about hand journeys. 

We, as a society, don’t have to bust down doors in order to shed light on a victimless crime, but we do need to know that possibly underage, certainly over-qualified, young women are giving hand-jobs to possibly greasy, certainly lonely and sad middle aged men. 

And your dick could touch their dick by proxy.

Going for a hand journey is like going for a haircut; you’re always slightly disappointed with the outcome though you could have predicted that that would happen. Although that disappointment has more to do with the direction your life is heading than the talent at Supercuts. Buyer’s remorse, I think they call it.

The hand journey connoisseur is a superlative individual. He who knows the locations, etiquette variegations, and even the masseuses by name is a remarkable man. Such sagacity can only be achieved by a thorough and earnest canvassing of all the ‘tugs in the city. 

The hand journey connoisseur does not have a girlfriend, not by choice. He has a small income that he makes from his job at Dairy Queen and spends on parlour pleasures and Old Milwaukee.  The connoisseur’s dick has touched at least two hundred other dude’s dicks which should disturb him more than it does. The hand journey connoisseur could be your pastor, or your math teacher, or your guidance counselor. He works at his own Dairy Queen. Just try and spot him! 

Alas, if dudes want to frequent the massage parlours like enterprising honey bees, who does anyone think they are to tell them that they can’t?

 But don’t try and tell me that your dick hasn’t touched a million other dudes dicks. 

Dick by proxy, it’ll get ya. 


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