Jenderbender Do you, or someone you love have Nosexinvaginitis Syndrome?

Nosexinvaginitis (No-Sex-In-Vagin-Itis, n.) Syndrome:

An acute syndrome caused by the absence of a sexualized penis in and or around your vagina. Nosexinvaginitis Syndrome can be contracted in various ways, however, definite characteristics of Nosexinvaginitis transmission still remains unknown. However, many victims reported having recently been dumped, travelled abroad to Fanexpo, and developed higher standards of mate quality. Some forms of Nosexinvaginitis are said to be genetic, with hosts having a comorbid relationship with other syndromes such as horrible awkwardess around the opposite sex, poorly timed jokes, and performance anxiety. Undetectable to the host during the initial 4-week incubation period, Nosexinvaginitis Syndrome characteristically 'breaks' its host shortly after, resulting in a loss of "fuck-yeah-happy-times!!!" sensation of the vagina. Further symptoms vary among hosts, but studies have reported an increase in melted cheese consumption, spending excessive amounts of money, saying "FUCK THIS" a lot, and possible clinical depression. Endemic to computer programmers, nuns, World of Warcraft enthusiasts, and most engineers, Nosexinvaginitis Syndrome is not highly contagious, yet anyone can contract this syndrome. You or someone you love could have Nosexinvaginitis Syndrome and not know. 

The following is a general guide to help you detremine if you or someone you love has developed Nosexinvaginitis Syndrome. If you identify with 3 or more of the following situations, then it is quite possible that you need to get LAID, BIG TIME:

1. You open your computer and realize that you have a desktop folder of cats in bowties. And yet, there are no pictures of naked men. Not even a naked man in a bow tie. Not even a cat that looks like a penis.

2. You watch Porn hub and cry after the fact, while eating really shitty two-day-old spaghetti. You then go to Youporn and read the bios of all the adult film stars, trying to find one with the same zodiac sign as you.

3. You drink wine alone and watch re-runs of the hit 90s drama “La Femme Nikita”, and get argumentative when people say how good the 2012 remake is.

4. You become a member of a free documentary website, and begin to think Louis Theroux is hot.

5. You set up a sexy photo shoot of yourself to create evidence signifying that you’ve still ‘got it’. Also, you say, “I’ve still got it” more than once a day.

6. You’ve watched enough YouTube and Pinterest to give you the confidence to massively fuck up your eyebrows with tweezers, and your hair with bleach.

7.  Your hairdresser won’t make time for you anymore.

8. You have become emotionally attached to an ant farm you made in your house. Also, you made the ants teeny tiny furniture, and set up a sign that said “World’s Best Ant Farm est. 2012”. You then got drunk at a party and argued with a stranger that ants do in fact have personalities.

9. You have been conducting pseudo experiments with various cheeses at 3 am in the morning, EVERY MORNING, and have been documenting ‘lessons learned’ and ‘recommendations’ in a journal you keep hidden under your bed.

10. You bought a crimping iron because, “SHUT UP”.

11. You open your nightstand drawer to try and find a book called “Believing in myself: An everyday guide to building self-esteem”, but instead find a box of newly expired condoms. You then see a second UNOPENED box of Magnum condoms, and see that they have been expired for over 2 years.

12. Nachos!!!

13. No one ‘gets’ your poetry now.

14. You had a heart-to-heart about life with an employee from Hot Topic. Also, you willingly went into Hot Topic.

15. You got into an argument with a live operator from an online store called “Stripper supply” because she wouldn’t honour a coupon you found on the internet while trying to get free laundry detergent samples.

16. You have thought about buying a motorcycle more than once in a two-day period. You have also practiced how you would shake your long hair out of your helmet in slow motion if you did.

17. You came home and wanted to surprise your parents with a board game night, but instead found a note that said they went out on a double date with their friends. So you played a game of solitaire… on easy mode, and then went to bed at 10 pm.

18. You got on the bus because you were bored and wanted to people watch for a few hours. Then you had a discussion with what appeared to be a homeless man about microeconomics. His poorly formed sentences about conspiracies and scent of old urine did not upset you.

19. You tried to practice your ‘sexy’ dance moves in the shower, but instead almost kill yourself in the process. Consequently you are left with a bruise that looks like the continent of Africa.

20. You saw an erect penis on the Internet and it surprised/ scared you.

If you think that you or someone you love may have Nosexinvaginitis Syndrome, please don’t hesitate to seek help ASAP.

For further information and support, please use our NS hotline:
1-800-GETFREAKYNOW.

Add new comment

Plain text

  • No HTML tags allowed.
  • Web page addresses and e-mail addresses turn into links automatically.
  • Lines and paragraphs break automatically.
By submitting this form, you accept the Mollom privacy policy.