Paul Parillo Drawing dicks with friends*

Oh my lord, there’s a dick on my face! As I stood in front of the bathroom mirror, my bloodshot eyes couldn’t ignore the big, veiny cock dinosaur my mentally unstable friends decided to draw across my cheek. And how convenient for this particular wiener, that it be placed in such a way where the tip could gently rest on my lips – my friends really know how to please a man. Long story short, I found it most amusing to wash my way through this penis scavenger hunt along my face as I began to notice other little peckers smiling back at me. Going to sleep first is shitty, because friends are assholes who like drawing dicks.

It’s always a gamble in the morning after a night of drinking (among other things) to wonder what sort of cute pranks your “bffs” decided would be funny to play on a peaceful sleeper. Face-drawing is tame in comparison to the many other potential atrocities that can be dealt.

The minute your “passed out” state is confirmed, your body becomes a wonderland (thank you John Mayer) and everything is fair game. The list is virtually endless, but here are a few options in case you need inspiration:

Nothing says friendship more than pissing all over your sleeping drinking buddy. There’s two ways to do this with two equally amusing end results. One version is a simple liquid avalanche that covers your pal head to toe; aim isn’t important so you can even get the ladies in on it too. Second option: use the aim your laser dick is capable of and piss in an incriminating area to convince the person they’ve wet themselves during the night.

Another fun option is have another friend (half-naked or scantily clad) lay down with them. It’s a good opportunity to take photos for “evidence” the next morning that the two had sex – it’s even better if the person is dating someone, the joke can go on until they’re crying on the phone to their partner in a horrific state of sadness. A different version of this is to try and wake the other person up and try and have one of those awkward conversations, “did we have sex last night?” – that’ll scare the shit out of them.

Thirdly, but definitely not lastly, is probably the most difficult. With whatever drunken strength left in you and your friend’s respective muscles, take your sleeping beauty and completely remove them from their lodgings. Working best in the summer, your friend will go to bed inside, wake up outside and be thoroughly pissed off and incredibly more hung-over due to the harsh sun rays draining the water from their body. If you’re really a dick, remove all their clothes first, then they’ll wake up naked and ready to reevaluate your friendship.

So, with that all being said, beware going to bed first because you’ll more than likely succumb to such antics. Plus, for some reason, all the fun seems to happen the moment you fall asleep. It’s like the strippers selling blow riding in on tigers with a fresh bucket of KFC are just hiding around the corner, waiting for you to slumber.

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