Victor Padula Fables for a Degenerate Culture: The Lion's Mane

Fables have long been a part of our collective heritage. In prehistoric times, fables were simple tales based on little more than the fact that people found the notion of a talking coyote to be fucking hilarious. As human societies grew and became more complex, so did the talking coyote stories. By the time the greeks rolled around, humans had figured out that they could make up stories about all kinds of talking animals.

Also, people were realizing that the subjects explored in these stories could quite easily deviate from the traditional discussions about the weather and persistent lower back pain. Some really ambitious storytellers even decided that their fables should actually have a point. Since that time, fables have been the vehicle by which wise men share their insights with the masses. Without the fable we would have no idea how to deal with trolls, thorns in paws, and all the other practical real-life scenarios that they prepare us for. Unfortunately, the kids today just don’t seem to have the time for fables; it’s not just that they’re too busy, it’s that they don’t relate.

The problem is that the fables that we’re used to were written for a bygone era. No longer is it necessary to educate the people about thing such as honesty, nobility, or how much to compensate the orphanage when the mangy street rat they sent over to clean the chimney died of creosote-related asphyxiation. That’s why we need new fables. Fables that reflect our contemporary values, dreams and aspirations. That’s why I’ve endeavored to take 45 minutes or so out of my busy schedule to inspire you all with a few of my own little gems of wisdom through this classic art form. I hope you have as much fun reading them as I did writing them, which is to say that I hope you have no fun.

The Tale of the Lion's Mane:

Once there was this lion with a really badass mane. The lion was so proud of his mane that he spent all day preening it. When the other lions would go out to hunt, he would lay on a sunny rock and stroke his long, flowing mane. Now this Lion thought that he was pretty hot shit, but the thing is that the other Lions didn’t respect him. When they went out and hunted, they made fun of the pretty boy lion for his lazy mentality and embarrassing, unmanly behavior. They all had a real good time of it, laughing and making fun of this much better looking, lazy lion. It was through that laughter they forged greater friendships with one another. Meanwhile, back with the pride, the pretty-boy lion was banging all the other lions' wives and girlfriends. Also, he eventually won an Xbox on a popular radio morning show.

Comments

I was gonna say the same thing Kari! HAHA! It just bugs the CRAP outta me that they gave him so much hair, he's supposed have died duinrg the civil war as a SOLDIER her would have NEVER had hair that long!

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