Liam Montgomery Gotta Read the Labels*

Having roommates is a crap shoot. You never know what you are getting into until you are fist deep in shit. Even if you interview, and re-interview, or move in with the long term friend from high school, as much as you think you know someone and can assume what your daily life will be like, skeletons don’t come out of a person’s closet until late at night.

There are thousands of little things that can surface after a few months with a new roomie. Small idiosyncrasies, a lisp, the way a person walks about, things you never knew existed until it was too late.

When you want to gauge your roommate’s eyes out with your thumbs, and then cauterize his optic nerve with a spoon, things can spiral out of control quite quickly. From not passing along important messages to secretly fantasizing about slashing their tires, it can get ugly.

Food is one of the biggest. If you’re sharing, where do you draw the line? One person is home more often than the other eating five meals a day. Who the fuck is making sure we all get the same amount of Cheerios? What if you buy a box of Oreos, but someone used all the milk for their cereal? So you wait till the next day, grab a litre on your way home from work. Get home and the Oreos are gone, and there is a second litre in your fucking fridge!

What if they are picky eaters, so you stop eating mushrooms or cheese? Too afraid to buy some for yourself and have it go to waste. Ordering in is like pulling teeth, end up with scallops and fennel on pizza because you had to make a “compromise.” Besides, half the time you’re eating on different schedules anyways, come home the tortellini is cooked, tonight you wanted to have a stir fry, shit I guess you get no choice. First world problems.

You can start hording shit, labeling them. Put initials on things. But what about a bushel of bananas? Do I mark every one, or just one and that shows that I call them all? Is it a big deal if I steal a few cloves of garlic? Buddy wouldn’t even notice. Shit, I’ll do it just to do it, purposefully not buy garlic just to see how long I can steal theirs. Buying things that you know they like, just so you can label it and let it sit on the shelf for weeks. Wait until they are sitting on the couch eight doobies to the face, you sit down next to them and eat that Danish slow... just fucking relish it. Make love to that lemon custard with your mouth and watch your roommate cringe with envy. I’m telling you, it is a cold, cold world out there and this shit is all out war. I mean this is only food, just the tip!

All I’m saying is think twice before you sign that two year lease, because you could be signing with a banshee, a succubus, maybe even Satan, with your soul in an ink of blood.

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