Paul Parillo The Great Turkey Burn*

Now that the holiday of gluttony is over, the only remaining vestige are the fatty deposits hanging around like turkey leftovers. And with the sorry sight of shorter days and colder nights, the inescapable vision of our fatty selves glistening with greasy skin as we enter the genesis of winter seems sad but true. Thankfully, you don’t need to spend 3 million dollars on a gym membership or hide your lard through layers of loose fitting winter jackets. All it takes is some proper healthy eating and some ingenuity.

Unfortunately you only have until the end of December before the food tide finds its way into your mouth cave again, but until that happens, you’re free to seize the day!

Walking and biking as alternatives to transit and driving are easy ways to begin the trek to a healthy bod. It’s easy for those activities to become commonplace and soon enough, you’ll begin to notice more energy during the day and fuller sleeps at night. But remember, we only have until December before the holiday foods roll around again; slimming down will take more work, lots more work.

The next step will be to start working at a “Rub ‘n’ Tug”; some rigorous time spent in one of those places will ensure you’ll have strong arms by the end of your contracted two month stint. Supple wrists make for happy guests – you’ll be doing one armed chin ups before you know it! Say good bye to those flabby wings you call arms, and say hello to regular person arms; nothing says “a good work out” like a 9 to 5 with disgruntled husbands and confused young men.

“But what about that pesky gut that hangs over my no name brand belt?” I hear this all the time from people inside my head, and to those people I say well, have you ever tried being homeless? With some minor exceptions, most homeless people have the Canadian equivalent to a “surfer’s bod”. Don’t you ever wonder why so many homeless people walk around half naked? I would too with a six pack like that. Sub renting your apartment for a couple months and walking the streets is the best way to begin. You’ll meet lots of interesting people while trekking the city streets and fall into the many pitfalls that are both burdens and blessings when it comes to slimming down for the next family holiday. Every so often you’ll be running from the cops, having sex with animals or other homeless people – talk about feeling the burn! Of course trying heroin and crack will be a sure fire way to drop the pounds, but not everyone is into needles and some people have sensitive lungs.

Fitness magazines are so quick to marginalize the process of getting slim, and it seems overly easy (in their eyes) to achieve your goals with all the other pressures of life. There’s too many instances in our day to day that don’t allow us to expedite the weight loss process – so if you follow my suggestions, you’ll soon be looking slim, looking fresh, and ready for the next family gathering.

Add new comment

Plain text

  • No HTML tags allowed.
  • Web page addresses and e-mail addresses turn into links automatically.
  • Lines and paragraphs break automatically.
By submitting this form, you accept the Mollom privacy policy.