Don Harris The Grow-a-pair hangover cure

So you’re at the club, waxing philosophic by the bar to some comely lass with double d’s. You’ve created the tenuous illusion that you are a scintillating conversationalist, but there’s a problem: she can drink your lily dippin’ ass under the table. It’s a cruel phenomenon: some girls, even really small ones, can suck em back like a bleary-eyed Whitney Houston reading reviews of “The Bodyguard.” Too soon? Fuck off.

Anyway, after the fourth round of “Mexican Mish Mash Dong Wranglers” (tequila shots plunked into PBR), you realize that things could go either way with this girl but there is one certainty: you will have a throbbing hangover tomorrow as you greet do-it-yourselfers at the Wal Mart check out. So here’s what you do:

First off, tap that ass Bro Montana. Hit it, quit it, and then slink out of the bathroom window, preferably to the theme song of the Pink Panther. Next, head to your local mom and pop green grocer and get the following: 1. Yop 2. Strubb’s Pickles (“Just like grandma used to make!”) 3. Pistachios

Take the pickles and, I don’t know, fucking throw them at a tour bus. What we’re after is the juice. Pour yourself a real nice, tall, pint glass of pickle brine and imbibe that shit. Bottoms up!

Once you choke that bad boy down (and you will choke it down), wash it back with some tasty blueberry or peach Yop. The point of the yogurt is to coat the lining of your stomach so that you can start smashing pistachios up in there. Eating when you’re deathly hungover can seem like a chore but with pistachios it’s a little fun game, like a Kinder surprise. Come to think of it, you should get one of those while you’re at the store too... The shock of drinking pickle juice will wake you up and put some fucking jump in your groggy ass.

Drinking brine is basically like drinking unadulterated sodium which your body loses in the process of drinking. People feel shitty when they’re hungover essentially because they’re de-hydrated and the balance of sodium in their body is all fucked up. A pickle juice cocktail takes steps to ameliorate that problem. You can even get creative and sassy with a cucumber or a lemon rind if you’re into that sort of thing.

A pickle shot followed by some Yop and ‘stachios will make you feel like a million bucks. Well, a hundred bucks. I know this because I do it. I’ve taken to sculpting and displaying pickles as one might decorate a pumpkin; as I habitually have too many pickles and not enough brine. You guys should come over and see my pickle brine shrine; it’s quite the modern opus.

Comments

Last night I made:-Dilled green beans using 4 varieties: green, eollyw wax, purple, and Dragon (purple-cream stripe) from Growing Things Farm in Carnation, WA and purchased at U-District marketToday I'm making:-Straight-up old-timey Dill Relish with cukes and dill seed-Sweet-hot zucchini-pepper relish with 3 kinds of zucchini (green, eollyw, striped green) and 2 kinds of pepper (red Hungarian style and Ancho)-Bread and butter pickles with cucumbers-Bread and butter pickles with zucchiniI'm also finishing the ripening on some tomatoes for SALSA and peaches for canning peach halves.Best way to spend a weekend that I can think of!

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