Hannah Star Gym, tan, laundry... baby?

Well folks, there’s no denying it any longer. Snooki is pregnant. Now I know what you’re thinking: isn’t Snooki too young/ immature/ permanently under the influence of alcohol to possibly raise a child to any degree of effectiveness? And God dammit, can’t MTV do something about this? Well, sadly, the answers are the ones you probably didn’t want to hear: Yes, a baby is about to pass through the vagina that’s been “smushed” more times than Snooki knows how to count, and no, there is absolutely nothing that MTV, or you, can do about it. Sorry.

It’s scary, I know. In case you’re behind on your Jersey Shore knowledge (in which case you should probably give yourself a pat on the back), the father of Snooki’s baby is Jionni LaVelle, her gorilla juicehead boyfriend. Rumour has it the pair is going to name their newborn – brace yourselves, people – Short-and-Tan. Yeah, that’s right. Short-and-Tan. I hope, at least, they try to invent some interesting sort of pronunciation for it, like Shor-TIN-tan, you know? Ugh, who am I kidding? With a mother famous for poofed hair, a pickle obsession, and drunken bathroom breaks in bushes, this kid’s going to have severe emotional scarring, no matter what its name is.

What sort of havoc might this new creature wreak on planet Earth? Will it spurn a Jersey Shore spin-off series that’s even worse than the most recent season of Jersey Shore (if that’s even possible)? Will it grow up to be even shorter and more meatball-shaped than its mother? My prediction is that one day, Short-and-Tan raises an army of overly-tanned guidos and guidettes and stages a full-scale world war against Blue Ivy, who, at this point, will be queen of the Universe. My bet is on Blue Ivy, obvi.

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