L Woods How to be a Fantastic Girlfriend*

After years of reading girly publications such as Glamour and Cosmo, I feel as though I’ve learned a thing or two about dating and being the perfect girlfriend.  Cosmo has basically been my relationship bible -  it’s just so genuine and informative! Despite this, I still find myself single as ever, and I can’t seem to figure out what I’m doing wrong. Here are a few of my favourite tips that I’ve learned:

A good girlfriend would:

Leave cute notes around for him to find. The great thing about this tip is that it will remind him of the notes his mother used to leave in his lunches throughout his elementary school years. I mean, anything I do that will remind him of his mom is surely going to bring us closer together and make our sex life hotter than ever, right?

Drop by on “guys night” to bring him and his buddies their favourite pizza. Fuck having plans of my own. If he’s having the guys over for a little poker and sports, you’d better believe I’ll be available to drop off snacks at all hours of the night. Maybe some little sandwiches cut into triangles with the crusts cut off and some beer. What else are they going to eat? It’s not like pizza places conveniently deliver or anything.

Cheer for his team. I’m a huge Pens fan! Oh, you’re a Flyers fan? Fuck the Pens then, I’ve cheered for Jagr and Talbot before, I’m sure I could do it again. Seriously, who doesn’t like Bobrovsky or Pronger? And Giroux? Whatta beauty. Oh, you’re a Caps fan? Dude, Ovi is my boy. (Note: I hate myself for even making this joke.) (Note #2: Despite my hatred towards the Flyers, I sincerely hope that Pronger gets better.)

Be BFFs with his BFFs. Because I can’t simply get along with them, or be on good terms, we have to be best friends. Anything less than BFF status is just unacceptable and really shows that my relationship is doomed. I should probably take them all out lunch and interrogate them about their mommy issues. (Sidenote: You’ve gotta love a publication whose target demographic is women ages 18-34 and yet they’re still using the term ‘BFF’ in a non-ironic way.)

I've been following all of these rules and yet, I can't seem to find a man. Ugh. #LWoodsProblems


Would you like me to set you up with a plentyoffish.com profile?

A) You take Cosmo seriously? That's hilarious. Nothing they say is ever a good idea to follow. Two of my favourite pieces of advice they've handed out were that of your boyfriend has been happier lately, HE'S PROBABLY CHEATING ON YOU, and if your boyfriend is sad, HE'S PROBABLY FEELING GUILTY BECAUSE HE'S CHEATING ON YOU. Cosmo is the worst source of advice to women, ever.

B) Drop by on guys' night? No. Fuck you. I'm very glad my girlfriend doesn't do this, because that is terrible advice. If a girlfriend shows up to guys night, everyone will be pissed at him. Not the girl. They are pissed off at him. By relation, he will be pissed off at you. Don't do that.

C) Don't cheer for the guy's team. That takes away the fun of watching a sport in the first place. If you're a leafs fan and you start cheering for the Habs, you're taking away the fun of friendly competition.

D) If you don't get along with his friends, what makes you think that they want you to be best friends with them? In all likeliness if you sit them down and try to "interrogate them about their mommy issues", they're probably going to talk about how annoying you are to your boyfriend on guys night. Whether or not you're in the room.

None of these things will make you a good girlfriend. They just make you boring and annoying. This will just lead to having the relationship end badly. The fact that you base your life decisions on what cosmo says is probably the reason why you "can't seem to find a man".

Honeyboo I think you misunderstood. The entire article was sarcastic. It's a complete joke. I don't take Cosmo seriously at all, I was making fun of the horrible advice they give. Hope this clears things up!

You're always looking out for my best interests Kyle, I appreciate it. If you ever need a girl to bring you snacks and leave adorable notes in your socks, you know who to turn to.

You guys know this is all a joke, right? You guys can't realize the sarcasm in this article? Wow.

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