L Woods How to Piss Off a Hockey Fan*

While many of you are looking forward to the summer months so you can lay outside all day and work on your sweet tan, the rest of us are wondering what the hell we’re going to do with our lives once the NHL season comes to an end. (Recover and prepare for next season, no doubt.) Thankfully we still have a few playoff rounds to go and Lord Stanley is still up for grabs.

Like most hockey fanatics, I am at my most sensitive during the playoffs. My mood depends on the performance of my team. (I’ve been in a bad mood since Game 1.) For those of you who aren’t as invested in the playoffs as the rest of us, here are some surefire ways to piss off a hockey fan during the playoffs. Use with caution:

Don’t Watch the Regular Season:

It’s one thing for a Leafs or Blue Jackets fan (don’t laugh.) to pick a different team to cheer for during the playoffs so they can enjoy more than just the 82-game regular season, but those of you who don’t start watching until April and then act like the biggest fan of whichever bandwagon you decided to jump on are the worst kind of people. If you had paid any attention during the regular season, we wouldn’t have to hear you say, “Florida sucks, how did they make the playoffs?” over and over again. Cats were division champs, asshole, educate yourself.

Blame the Goalies:

There’s nothing more irritating than listening to a non-hockey fan blame the goaltender for every goal. Stop talking. You know nothing.

Cheer for “Biznasty”:

The other day I was standing in line at the grocery store behind two girls who were talking about their weekends and one said: “I watched hockey last night. Biznasty played so well!” I couldn’t help but laugh considering Paul Bissonnette rarely gets any TOI. Ladies, before you open your mouths, check your facts. I don’t mean to pick on Biz, this goes for any player. Just because you think he’s hot and you follow him on Twitter does not mean that you know all of his stats. For the last time, Jordan Eberle is not in the playoffs, so please stop asking how he’s doing.

Tell Us: “It’s Just a Game!”:

If you utter these words, we will hate you. No questions asked. It is not just a game.

Expect Good Judgement:

Never ask for a “good reason” why your significant other dyed their hair blue on the day before your sister’s wedding, or for why they drove 80-over in a 40-zone to get home before puck drop. A hockey fan will never have anything else to say but: “Because it’s the cup.” I mean, really, that says it all. 

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