Jenderbender How To Properly Execute A Cartwheel

The cartwheel has long been regarded as an easy aerobic feat executed by children who are high on sugar. However, modern applications aside, cartwheels have long been forgotten for their magical ninja merits.

Like the sands of time, awkward human bodily movements are shunned and shifted down to the body language of ADHD children and Russian, soulless, gymnasts. But alas – the cartwheel has held a mystical power since the dawn of time my friends, and I am here to show you the truth- and help you master the awesomeness of the cartwheel once again.

A proper cartwheel starts with the subject gaining an appropriately reckless velocity in a constant, linear direction. The subject then transitions to a small leap to intensify said recklessness, progresses to a swift upward spin of the legs, a nice flash of the underwear for shock value, followed by an abrupt downward crescent right into the jaw of, preferably, your arch nemesis’ face.

Usually what happens next, is your enemy spontaneously combusts into multi-coloured smoke, and you land perfectly upright on a mountaintop wearing a metallic snakeskin suit. A flash of lightening appears in the sky bearing your name, followed by a double rainbow, and a single raven who introduces the echo of electric guitar riffs. Depending on if you were able to defeat physics and do this in slow motion, a fighter jet pilot will land his jet beside you, hop out, and high-five you. You get the girl, and end up saving the world. Also, there is pie.

If you are one of the few Sage’s of the ancient art of Cartwheeling, you would know that when a proper cartwheel is executed continuously for three revolutions, time travel is then possible. Only one man alive has been able to successfully attempt this in modern times, and his name is Richard Simmons. This is why he  was able to bring us the sacred “sweating to the oldies” video concepts, all done of course through his ability to execute a proper cartwheel.

However, Richard Simmons has grown weary in his old age, and there is dire need to for this ancient art to be passed down. Are you one of the brave few who will embrace the sacred and shadowed art of the Cartwheel? Don’t forget my friends…. There is pie.

Comments

Wow that was odd. I just wrote an really long comment but after I clicked submit my comment didn't show up. Grrrr... well I'm not writing all that over again. Anyhow, just wanted to say superb blog!

Thanks! Cartwheel on my friend, cartwheel on.

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