Hannah Star How to survive a reality dating show

Well, we’re three episodes in to another ‘oh-my-god-why-do-I-still-watch-this’ season of ABC’s The Bachelor, and bachelor Ben has already sent car-loads of women in cocktail home in tears. So far, however, it doesn’t seem like Ben’s really had any trouble deciding who he’s going to send packing; the ladies have done such absolutely STUPID things that they’ve pretty much asked for a one-way ticket back to loneliness. I mean seriously, have these women ever watched the show? Haven’t they seen the cardinal mistakes that past contestants have made?! I firmly believe that if I was a contest on The Bachelor, I could win that shit on pure strategy, regardless of whether or not I was actually attracted to the guy. It would be easy. Here’s how not to get sent home on the The Bachelor:

1) Lay off the liquor. Every season – every FUCKING season – there’s one contestant who gets totally bombed at the first cocktail party and destroys any shreds of respect the bachelor might have had for her. One year, a girl got so drunk that she passed out on one of the five hundred and sixty beds in the bachelor mansion and couldn’t even get her ass to the rose ceremony. This season, an apparently bisexual contestant drank so much that she flirted more with another female contestant than the bachelor himself. Even if you get hammered and make it past the first rose ceremony, I guarantee you that hangover’s gonna feel pretty crappy the next morning when you and the bachelor are scheduled to ride camels together down the beach.

2) Don’t be the Drama Queen. Here’s a fun fact: the bachelor doesn’t give a shit about how you and the other contestants get along in the house. You can pretty much kiss the fantasy suite goodbye if you think the bachelor cares about the fight you had last night with Jenny over who got to sit next to the bachelor in the limo on the way to the group date at the petting zoo. Another plus to staying out of the drama? You can avoid being the pathetic, sobbing loser who wedges herself between a suitcase and the wall in a remote corner of the bachelor mansion and waits for the camera crews to come find her (yes, this happened on one of this season’s first episodes).

3) Actually be Single. This one’s pretty easy. Normally I’d say this should be OBVIOUS, but some first-class idiocy on recent seasons makes me feel as though I should explain this point a little further. Here’s how it works. Listen closely. If you’re going on a dating show, do not have a boyfriend back home. Still not clear on how this works? You see, if you have a boyfriend back home, he will likely be upset that you are competing for another man’s affection. Likewise, should the bachelor find out, he will likely not present you with a rose, as you HAVE A FUCKING BOYFRIEND BACK HOME. Seriously, people!

There you have it, folks: your key to reality TV dating success (that you may or may not have actually wanted). And hey, even if you don’t cut in on The Bachelor, don’t worry – they’ll probably call you back for Bachelor Pad. Aaaaah, quality programming.

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