Tori Morrison How to Talk To Women: A Republican's Guide to Womanfolk

1. If you don’t have anything accurate to say, don’t say anything at all. 

If you hummed through most of health class, remember you don’t know anything about women’s bodies, and choose to take this ignorance as a perfectly good reason to not pretend you’re a gynecologist. Sure you rocked a federal boobies investigator shirt all through-out college, but that was a t-shirt, not a diploma. Women don’t have magical no baby buttons, they don’t have vaginas that stab unwanted penises like Blade’s sword did if handled improperly. (there is an actual device that does kind of work like that, but I don’t want to overwhelm you with scary facts.) Just understand if you can’t label a vagina, you probably shouldn’t be libelling it with your dark ages crazy ideas of womanbit-ery.   

2. If you caught don’t lie or put women down to justify you. 

When you’re attacked for not having enough women in your workforce, do not assure us that all your potential womenfolk employees are hanging out in a binder somewhere. Also, do not use this opportunity to suggest that women aren’t qualified or cut out for big scary politic jobs because it isn’t going to come up charming. Answer like this “It’s true that men have dominated areas of politics for a long time, I know there are many qualified women who haven’t yet had their chance to break the glass ceiling, if the American public has any suggestions, we are always looking for qualified members to join our team.” I mean if Sarah Palin and Nikki Haley are your best representatives of womanhood, it might be time for some better suggestions. 

3. Don’t talk about rape. 

If you often find yourself saying things like “some girls rape easy” (Roger Rivard) or use terms like “legitimate rape” (Todd Akin) just stop talking about rape! It’s clearly one of those moments where you’re just a little too foggy on what rape means and it’s probably best you don’t talk about it. For example, I kinda understand what a higgs boson is, but I don’t walk into CERN and start telling them they are accelerating the wrong way. Also another great tip is, if someone asks you about a situation where there is an alleged victim and you don’t know any of the details regarding the incident, don’t respond with an allegation that she probably made it up. Women don’t really like to be questioned on whether or not they meant to get raped. Instead say “I’m not familiar with the circumstances around that case.” You say this because you are not familiar with the circumstance around that case, and the public will respond with not believing you’re an asshole. It’s really that simple. 

4. Talk to women.

I will preface this point with the simple fact that Phyllis Schlafly (a women who opposed the equal rights amendment and claims husbands can rape their wives whenever they want) and Ann Coulter are not women. At least not in the sense of being you know, team players for women in any way, at all, ever.  But there are women republicans. Ask them how they would feel carrying their rapist’s baby. Or ask them how their body works. Lots of women are anti-abortion (not me, so don’t ask me.) and have actual answers to these kinds of questions. They might give you some ideas on how to actually communicate laws that would represent at least a fraction of women. That’s still better than what you’re doing now.

5. If all else fails. . .  

Don’t run for office.  If you can’t support over 50% of your citizens, you’re going to be shit at your job.

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