Paul Parillo I Didn't Know Zeus Did Yoga

Whenever I think of Yoga, my mind invariably comes up with the same visual stimuli: incredibly tight pants, back breaking postures, and, somehow, a dairy product produced by the bacterial fermentation of milk. But there’s one connection that I’ve yet to attribute to the practice of Yoga, and that is recognizing its potential as an Olympic sport. The United States Yoga Federation has officially applied to the US Olympic committee to be considered for the next Summer Games, and their gentle polemic seems to be garnering plenty of support.

According to their website, “USA Yoga’s goal is to join with similar organizations in other countries to form an international yoga federation and to qualify Yoga Asana as an Olympic sport”. I must agree that it’s an admirable pursuit, but truthfully, I don’t give a shit. Instead, this has prompted me to consider some other possibilities – and so I humbly ask myself, what are a few other common activities that would prove to be interesting summer Olympic sports?

1. Mowing the Lawn – everyone has the same tract of grass and various obstacles hiding betwixt the tall green blades. Be careful: getting the puppy’s chew toy caught in the mower could cause some significant time loss. Not to mention running atop some rusty gardening tools might disqualify a contestant on account of his punctured jugular.

2. Hiding the Body – who hasn’t woken up next to a hooker only to realize they’ve probably died during the night? Well guess what, now you have to hide the body. Combining the qualifying strength and endurance tests of the modern firefighter, coupled with the seedy underpinning of a Saturday night gone awry, this summer game could be tougher than your average marathon.

3. Urinal Darts – A few pints in, your bladder begins to hint that the need for evacuation is imminent. Located on the inset of your designated urinal is a design intended to measure points according to the accuracy of your excretion. Intense focus and Robin Hood-like precision will win you this game. To avoid sexism, the female competitors will be required to test their skills on a similar urinal design with the only difference being its location on the ground as opposed to a wall mount. It is important to note that this sport will be included with all the other water sports.

Of course, all of these competitions will be included in the Paralympics as well – I’m not one for segregation and judgments. Yoga may be a contender in the reformation of subsequent summer Olympics, but I see no reason to denounce the other heavy hitters listed above. I hope this prompts some brainstorming on your part, as the reader. What would be entertaining to you? How can we show our nation’s pride and prowess through the majesty of sport? Moreover, can someone please give me something less redundant to watch?

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