Don Harris Jane Austen Tells "The Aristocrats"

You might not know this but Jane Austen was actually quite the funny (even salacious) old bird. Check out this joke of hers, which is located in Chapter 18 of the posthumously published Quality and Connotation…

While in the upper echelons of elite society, Elise had come to understand, it behooved one to vehemently oppose unwarranted speculation and to walk the fine line of inconsequential and trivial male appraisal unfettered by the paternal gaze of tradition and social rigidity alike.

Elise Waterford strode into the talent agency with the feminine agility of an erstwhile ballet dancer. As something of a success at the Moscow school she had learned the art of social graces at the tables of the Czarinas, in the parlors of the wealthy, and on the generous patronage of the Grand Duke, her gracious if doting benefactor.

In public affairs, she comported herself with the decorum and imprimatur of a hardened governess. She appeared opinionated and spirited, though innocent, all the while concealing a secret burning fire. Though she tried to conceal the heart, which smoldered on her sleeve, she thought of her career, her true calling, as little more than a nefarious apparition. The Duke had sent her in his stead accompanied by his protégé, Vince, to display the fine and meritorious performance that the three had conjured from abject nothingness with the aid of little more than The Duke’s visionary direction.

“ Very well. Let’s see it, then,” said the talent agent.

After a brief hesitation, Elise tore Vince’s pants off and performed fellatio on him. She ceremoniously stripped her outfit off; first the over coat, then the petticoat, then the underlings until she was unadorned by vestments, all the while undulating to the rhythm of an Oriental harem dance. Grappling Vince’s member for balance, she snapped off the leg of a nearby table and began to penetrate herself. Enter Dennis, the vagabond in from the cold, with Gus the donkey who is fluffered and primed and ready, and eventually mounts first Elise and then intrepid Vince whilst Dennis sheepishly practices onanism in the corner. This is punctuated by a chorus of pugnacious flatulence from the donkey and then a golden shower of urine from Elise, now supine on the floor. Vince, displaying a panache for the ingenious, stoops and ever so delicately pinches a tightly coiled loaf on Elise’s chest. Elise blithely rolls up a one-pound note and snorts the acquisition with a side of horseradish. The whole bombastic display crescendoes into a four way mutual excretion of shit, piss, jizz and blood.

The talent agent protested, “How, in the name of all that is holy, do you call that reckless, wretched act of sublime and inhuman degradation?”

Elise responded, “The Victorians”

She gets a little blue for my tastes in the middle there but you can see why this passage was never published. It sounds like too much fun; people might get the wrong ideas. Raping themselves with table legs and whatnot. Hobos and donkeys in the mix. For fun and profit, ah yes for fun and profit.

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