Since the earliest days of faux-everything shit-boxes like International Clothiers, the Mall Chick has been one of the most corrosive forces in all of western culture.
Recognized by their disturbingly white teeth, bleach blonde hair and orange colored skin, these obfuscated empty shells of pseudo-humanity seem to exist solely as projections of the most impractical and ludicrous aspirations of our morbidly retarded consumer culture.
I know it’s not really their fault. I’m sure that if you look past the fact that they’re typically of somewhat limited intelligence, they’re just like the rest of us. That being said, I think it’s worth cataloguing the particular impact they have on our society. What follows are but a few examples of the many ways that these sadly misguided women are destroying our culture. (For the Full story check out Parts I and II.) By Making More Mall Chicks:If you’ve been to the suburbs lately, it’s not news that there are literally whole legions of moderately attractive women out there who are desperately looking for any opportunity to punch up their appearance. These homely hangers-on are really just dreamers with wild, crazy-eyed aspirations to up their sexual cache with a pair of ill fitting stretch pants.*
While this technique may seem to work for awhile, the low-self esteem of these would-be mall chicks usually results in some rapid paring with undiscerning mall dudes. This subsequently results in the wholesale loss of any sexual cache and, more often than not, to the creation of offspring, who then grow up to become the next generation of mall chicks and dudes. Conclusions and Recommendations:Removing the blight of the mall chick from society would most likely involve a complete overhaul of our educational system to empower young people to take some personal responsibility for their identities and engage in the difficult and alienating search for existential authenticity. Seeing that the odds of this happening anytime soon are about equal to the odds that a drum circle will somehow solve the problem of global poverty, it seems like we have to accept the mall chicks for now.
If you happen to encounter one, just make sure to inoculate yourself against their annoying 2-dimensional personalities by ingesting plenty of Jagerbombs.
* Interesting side note: even though women from a wide variety of scenes are currently up to their uncomfortably compressed vaginas in the stretch pants movement, only select groups of hip women can actually pull the look off. Scientists now believe that stretch pants can only appear attractive when worn with a subtle hint of irony.