Ripped from the front page of cnn.com are Tuesday, April 17th's most fascinating headlines. These are six “feature” articles that CNN felt you needed to read:
1 in 5 U.S Adults doesn’t use the web
Which means 1 out of 5 U.S adults is sitting on their porch angrily yelling at children to “stay off thur dad gum lawn!”. Is anyone surprised that an aging population isn’t thrilled about the idea of trying new technologies? Are we supposed to be worried?
Why is fast food saltier in the U.S.?
Because Americans are fat pigs and should all die. But seriously: salt is a major enemy of the state at this point. Our grandparents fought NAZIs and crippling depression and we are fighting the war on sodium. More evidence that we are the shittiest generation.
Sandusky reporter, 24, wins Pulitzer
Which means there is at least one person in our generation worth her salt (ha, get it?). But still, fuck her and her productive lifestyle.
Miss. adds rules for abortion clinics
So apparently in Mississippi they are making stricter abortion laws, which is good because if there is one thing this world needs it is more Mississippians. That’s right: more mouth breathing, single parented, racists is what the world needs in these troubled times. Give us more ignorant, unwanted children so we can start the revolution. On that note I am now going to get fitted for a noose.
Sun spits out giant fireball
Maybe the fireball had salt on it, I don’t know? We’re still not sure about the sun’s motives, but the 24 year old Sandusky reporter is looking into it…Fucking bitch
Pippa Middleton gun pic causes stir
Yet another important Pippa Middleton story. Someone in a car she was riding in brandished a toy gun and it is the sixth most important story on cnn.com. Reports indicate lawyers are getting involved. In other Royal news the Duke of Kent threw a water balloon at some friends and was subsequently called a “silly goose” as they all chuckled.