Hannah Star Mommy Dearest

When searching for a mate, women use a million different criteria to evaluate potential boyfriends. Some judge men based on the way they dress, or what their favourite ice cream flavour is, or whether they were one of those weird kids that tortured animals and insects when they were young. Sure, all of those are decent strategies for predicting the success of a future relationship. But the best way to judge a man’s compatibility? Watch how he talks to his mom.

I see so many kids and young adults who are still completely oblivious to the sacrifices their mothers have made for them. For the most part – I mean, excluding the psychos like Octo-Mom and Janelle from MTV’s Teen Mom – moms are totally selfless and all-around amazing. If you can’t recognize and appreciate that your mom prepared your food, washed your underwear, and cleaned your toilets for the first twenty years of your life, then there’s something wrong with you. There’s something especially wrong with you if you proceed to yell at your mom because you’re simply not in the mood for whatever she’s cooked up for dinner one night, or because you can’t find a shirt because she currently has it in the washing machine. Whether they’re earning money at work or running the home, most moms devote immense amounts of energy to their kids, and usually without as many thanks as they deserve.

For all the wonderful things that moms do for us, they realistically deserve our undying thanks in every waking second of the rest of their lives. We should be following them around offering to open car doors and throw our expensive coats over puddles and all that shit. Alright – maybe that’s a little extreme. But everyone should at least realize that those are the kinds of thanks that moms deserve. When he talks to his mom on the phone – or in person – does he complain about something she’s done? Does he whine for her to do him a favour without saying please? Those are probably bad signs. Unless his mom gave him an unfit upbringing – or is just a total bitch – a man who constantly disrespects his mom is a man who isn’t appreciative of a woman’s devotion.

I’m not even saying that guys need to have super-close relationships with their moms. Like, don’t start lusting after Billy Bob who still lives in his parents’ house because he can’t bear to leave his mommy’s side. Just find a guy who speaks to his mom with the respect that she deserves (unless, of course, you’re dating one of the eighty-six Gosselin children, in which case it’s probably okay for him to disrespect his mom, as she exposed the first six years of your life, from dirty diapers to temper tantrums, to millions of North Americans).

Go forth and find your Mama’s Boy!

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