Paul Parillo Necrophilia: Pros & Cons

Just the other day, a friend of mine was telling me a story about someone he knew that received an STD of which could only come from a deceased person. Oddly enough, the first thing that popped into my head was not of the depraved and detestable crime just mentioned, but how I had heard this exact same story told by someone else, about someone else and more than a few years prior to now.

I’d more readily accept the notion that this story may have a nomadic disposition. In that, an element of folklore could be easily attributed to such an outstanding tale. The other option would be to accept the idea that this has in fact happened to many more people I care to postulate. Admittedly, the latter would please me more for the sheer hilarity and embarrassment associated with finding out you had an STD from a dead person. Nonetheless, I’d like to take this opportunity to offer some advice for those thinking to take their necrophilic relationships to the next step – here are a few pros & cons:

Pros:

No complaining

You can almost guarantee you’ll never hear things like “Ouch, you’re on my hair” or “I’m too tired” or “I faked it!” Your sleeping beauty will not only lie there contently, they’ll be unlawfully subject to any and everything your perversion requires (that is until their limbs fall off).

Openness and willingness to try something new

With someone completely and utterly unresponsive to your every touch, there’s no reason to have any inhibitions in the bedroom. Confidence is everything when it comes to making an important decision, so what could be better than a partner physically unable to chastise. “Hey, is that your finger up there?”No my friend, it’s the confidence and self-respect you’ve always wanted.

Secret Lovers

The time you just had might have been magical, but there’s a good chance you don’t want the word getting out. It will come as a relief to know that unless you mention anything, your friend from 6 feet below won’t tell a soul. It’s the ultimate affair – unless of course you run into Cole from The Sixth Sense.......awkward.

Cons:

It’s Illegal

Sorry, but it’s true. Although in Canada the max prison sentence is 5 years, there’s no telling the lifetime’s worth of ridicule that will accumulate for such an offense. At least you won’t have to go to funerals anymore.

Too predictable and redundant

Even with all the pros aforementioned, how long will it take before you begin missing the warm embrace of a living individual? Eventually, the cold, dead (or possibly deteriorated beyond recognition) eyes will not possess the same intoxicating quality once appreciated before.

You can get diseases, EWWWW GRRROOOOSSS!

This STD isn’t as curable as your common pee pee burn. The disease comes from the rotting flesh of your deceased partner. The skin attracts maggots which turn into bacteria that gets transferred to you. In females the disease is called “Vulvar Myiasis”, and in the males its “Myiasis”. Apparently the smell is just atrocious.

I hope that cleared up any reservations or aspirations you may of had to such an activity. Again, I’m not here to judge, much.  

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