Paul Parillo New Years Absolution*

Who would’ve thunk that only 365 days ago, it was one year from now. It’s during this time that we reconcile our memories with promises of attaining new ones. What was my resolution last year? I can’t recall, but I think it had something to do with procrastinating. Nevertheless the moment has come for another bout of indecision where the impossible task of setting tangible goals for oneself is tested.

I’ve yet to consider a final solution (not a reference to the Third Reich). So far the ideas I have are as follows: Firstly, improve everything in my life starting with a reasonable outlook on my modest but worthwhile career as a human. Work, social, personal – basically most facets of my life could use a tune up (like most people, fuck you).

Secondly, I’d like to design a race of asexual robots, whose entire purpose in life is to amuse myself and my closest peers as they enact all sorts of odd sexual libertinism with their mysteriously effective asexual organs. The show will be called, “Is that a penis or a vagina?” I imagine it getting so popular that our travelling show will amass such a devoted following that people around the world will be asking their doctor for genital reconstructive surgery.

Thirdly, I’d like to convince all house cats that meowing in the middle of the night because you want tuna is an incredibly efficient way to become a wet can of meat like the tuna you so desperately crave.

Fourthly, I’d like to come up with more new year’s resolutions. I spend the whole year working and socializing that I forget to recognize what goals I need to put forth in my life. Eventually, my new years will become nothing more than a remembrance of why I needed a goal to shoot for in the first place. Forgive me if this article is a bit contrived, I can’t seem to break the banality of this time of year, or maybe it’s just me.

New year’s resolution 2013: try not to be boring.

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