Joe Thomson Non Verbal Communication, The Bane of my Existence*

Whenever I want to cringe with embarrassment, I just think of those times when someone goes to fist bump me, and I misinterpret and go for a handshake, and I awkwardly end up grabbing someone’s fist.

The simple act of congratulation or greeting has been co-opted by the dreaded fist bump.

Equally embarrassing is the hand shake into hug that can go horribly wrong when you both put your heads the same way and end up face to face, followed by some fumbling to extricate yourselves from that way too intimate situation.

Why can’t we come up with a set of rules to prevent these social mishaps? If you're walking down the street, always veer to the RIGHT when someone approaches.  This way you can avoid the horrific, extended bumping into someone as you try to get around each other.  There is simply no other way to avoid this.  We should all be taught this in school and have it drilled into our heads at an early age. VEER RIGHT.

We also need to limit our greeting options.  First of all, lets go through the accepted greetings I can use as of today:

For men: handshake, high five (low five no longer acceptable as of present), fist bump, hug, handshake into hug with or without pat on the back, high five into semi hug bumping each other with closed fist on the back (this seems to be a black thing).

For women: handshake, hug, two-handed handshake, hug and then kiss on the cheek, and unfortunately the hug and double kiss on each cheek (I’ve even seen 3 kisses, which is absolutely absurd in my opinion).

Alright, let's first eliminate the fist bump.  The fist bump seems to be causing most of the problem here, and would anyone really miss it?  Also, I think we should bring back the low five as opposed to the high five, because the low five will rarely be confused for a handshake.  Now that that’s settled, any greeting with a woman other than a hug or handshake should never happen.  The multiple cheek kiss needs to go away, and anything involving more than one hand should be reserved for sexual activity.

Alright, now if we can all adhere to these rules I think we will get along better.

[Stands up from computer leaves room.  Opens door for girl, she says “thanks”, Joe responds “thanks”… puts head in hand, leaves embarrassed]


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