Jenderbender Picking Up is Art. Really Shitty, Trashy, Art.

I want to fuck you.
There! Right there- did that last sentence piss you off?

Did it evoke a sense of narcissistic and moral repulsiveness? Did you just whisper "slut-o-matic 3000" under your breath? Why? What if it was right on the money? What if my statement was an accurate depiction of the word and feeling junk in my brain at that moment? Wouldn't it be wrong to lie?

And therein lies many a woman's dilemma- many of us know what we want, what we got, and are going for the sexy gold in naked-land. However, socially, we must play coy, become ridiculously unaware of what is going on, and passively act really fucking surprised at your sexual advances, alluding to anything and everything instead of SEX, to confuse the shit out of you in the hopes that it will get you out of your pants, and we somehow still walk away with a magical (bullll shittttt) sense of innocence after the horizontal mambo fact. In the height of the seduction process there will be rainbows and unicorns, and possibly a fog machine. Somewhere in the distance a cowboy is epically proclaiming that he just can’t quit someone. Three shooting stars hold hands and sing. I am close by and vomit uncontrollably.

Well guess what? All this dramatic hubris is so emotionally draining- even convoluted- when the sexy end to the means probably won’t even be all that good (for fucks sake). What I am trying to say is, picking up is a total double standard between the sexes. There is different lingo, different body language, different everything when it comes to gender. I’ve tried this so called blunt “guy” approach, and low and behold, I get called a slutty bitch (super original!!). I’ve tried the chaste “lady” approach, and it just fucking sucks. It takes too long to get laid, and honestly, I have shit to do. I’m a busy woman. And let’s not get it twisted- I just met you, it’s last call, I think you’re hot, and I don’t owe you anything except for my honesty and respect. SO, I respect you enough, to be honest enough, to tell you that I just want to BE ON you, and I don’t want a relationship, or to go sofa shopping, or meet your parents for lasagna (ummmm what?). Just sexy times. Maybe if it's good, friends with benefits. That’s it. Take it or leave it.

Being sexually assertive (or shux, just being honest about what Rambo the vagina over here wants), with a healthy dose of clarity hasn’t yet reached mainstream potential in the womanly pickup world, but I suggest that you do be forthcoming in your approach- particularly if you don’t want to: (a) have the guy think that you're in a relationship, (b) incessantly cry in the shower while your roommates yell that you're using up all the hot water again, (c) question your sexual orientation at weddings, or (d) get unreasonably excited that your free sample of laundry detergent arrived in the mail today. If the guy wants more after that blurry night of what should be grown-up consensual passion, my secretary will get back to him. I don’t wear a blazer for nothing, god damnit.

And guys, this is my advice to you. If a woman asks if you are “DTF” or any other horribly acronymed sexual advance after YOU (a) spent the last three hours examining her air pipe with your tongue, (b) have a relatively good idea if she is wearing underpants, and (c) have been rubbing the FUCK out of your boner on her, then I suggest you fucking have a decent response… one that doesn’t include shock and slut-shaming repulsion at her…. oh I don’t know… showing that she wants to have sex with you back?! If you do immediately have a mental breakdown and subsequently think "Sluttty Mc Slutterson!!!!" And proceed to crumple to the ground in the fetal position, dick in-hand,  then maybe, instead of a woman with raging vagina needs, you would prefer a blowup doll devoid of personality, opinions, desires, and fucking life meaning... a blowup doll that doesn’t ask you any probing questions like “your place or mine”?, or, “Hey, do you want to actually do what you’ve been talking about doing to me since you first saw me dancing to the classy hits of Juvenile three hours ago”?

I know right. Sooo many difficult questions and life trials to handle here.

Comments

I like how you say you just want sex.. but if it's good you'll keep us around..

Isn't that a bit more complicated than what you're after?
Maybe we're all a little bit scared of the morning after.. and the minute possibility of you actually liking us as a person.

Why don't you just be like James Bond and not even think about it.. (ps. how was the movie?)

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