Alex Stephenson Please Don't Vomit on Me

Subway cars with a group of young people are typically entertaining to me, despite the fact that sometimes they puke on my shoe. When I stepped onto a subway car recently, I knew my trip was going to be better than okay.

A pack of 19-ish kids were passing around a bottle of Appleton’s and a bottle of Jager, because that’s what you do when you’re on the subway. They were all impeccably dressed, and looked like they were headed out for a night of fun, which (judging by the quantities of liquor being consumed) was likely to be followed by tripping over curbs at 3am. They were also singing a lot, again likely because of the large bottles of liquor being passed around.

I heard a repeated chorus from Mystikal’s Shake Ya Ass, because these kids were drunk enough that they didn’t care about his rape charges. They also (shockingly) sang along to Christina Milian’s Say I, a song that people other than me and Christina Milian apparently remember. But I’m pretty sure I’m the only one who remembered what happened next. As this group stepped off the subway, one of the ladies turned back around to get a sweater she had left on her seat.

I knew instantly that this girl was not getting off this subway with her friends. The door closed right in her face, and after pounding on the door and screaming after her friends, she responded by yelling at a nearby person with headphones on, who she decided was named ‘Chris.’ “CHRIS, WHAT DO I DOOOOO?!!!? MY FRIENDS LEFT ME, CHRIS!!!” Chris was a gentleman who also apparently had common sense, and he politely told her to get off at the next stop, then go back one stop to meet up with her friends.

Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it), I was also about to get off at the next stop. Since this girl was moving drunkenly and slowly in her high heels while carrying a full beer, I had to get her to move a little quicker just so I could step off the car. And then I apparently took over the role of parent from her recently departed Chris. She inexplicably looked at my feet and then my left shoulder before her eyes made her way up to my face.

“What do I do?” Apparently she should have written down Chris’ directions.

“Go over to the other side of the tracks,” I began, “Catch the next train, and get off in one stop. Then go meet up with your pals.”

Since we were both going in the same direction, we ended up walking next to each other.

“Maybe I should just climb over the tracks,” she said.

“That would save soooooooo much time.”

“There are 1000 reasons you shouldn’t do that, but primarily because I don’t exactly trust your sense of balance right now.”

She then decided to try to prove me wrong (or at least pretend she was going to), because of course she did. I grabbed her arm and told her I would walk her around, which even she seemed to think was a better idea than climbing over subway tracks. We talked as I waited with her for her train, and from what I could understand, her name was Emily and she was slightly sad about being separated from her friends. She worried that they hadn’t waited for her, a concern I was almost certain was justified.

But I wasn’t concerned about this Emily girl; I was confident she would be fine. She probably met up with her friends eventually (I assume she called them immediately upon getting above ground), and she probably tripped over a curb later. She probably enjoyed her night as a whole, if not the likely hangover that came with it.

I was happy to not have to trip, or to deal with a hangover, but this drunk girl was funny enough to make me laugh, if not always intentionally. I’m fine with my trip being delayed on account of entertainment, even if I have to step in and momentarily be a drunk girl’s dad because Chris didn’t get off the train. Also, her friends sang Christina Milian singles in public, which is a plus, maybe.

But I’m happy I was eventually able to pass off the drunkenness onto somebody else, because that’s not something I want to experience for too long anymore.

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