Kyle Towers Politics & Religion & Other Taboo Stuff

Dear reader, pretend for a moment this article is your Morpheus and you are Neo. You take the blue pill and the article ends. You can go back to the Sans Magazine homepage and read some great dating advice by Hannah Star or a profound rant about tossing salad by Michael Turnbull.

You take the red pill and this article blows your mind so hard you get a migraine.

The following theories cannot be proven, but I’ve totally got like this hunch they are true:

Aliens exist.

With trillions of planets in the universe, it would be very self-centred of us to believe we are the only beings. It doesn’t take much for life to come to exist. Personally, I think extra-terrestrials visited earth thousands of years ago and some of the hornier ones fornicated with apes and chimpanzees and these primates gave birth to our ancestors. It was sort of like when James Cooke first visited all those aboriginals, except there was less transfer of STDs.

The world is controlled by secret societies of elites.

These elites meet, discuss, and control important things like: who will get elected to be president, how the economy will do each year, and will Snooki conceive and give birth to a child? As for Stephen Harper, he has been hired to take one for the team and receive blame for every shitty decision made by the elites of Canada; he’s like their PR. C’mon, did you honestly think one man could be responsible for so much <Mad Lib your favourite bullshit agenda>?

Women aren’t attracted to men.

How could they be? Men: have you seen yourself in the mirror? FACT: Four out of five women in their twenties have had a sexual encounter with another woman.* Women only use us for our sperm. Once they figure out how to procreate without us we will become obsolete. Drop the facade, ladies.

*This is not a fact.  [I think it's like...40-60%%? -Ed]




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