I spend most of my life procrastinating.
It feels so good to do it at first, and then you start hating yourself and become paralyzed by the prospect of doing anything remotely challenging. At first I often get this weird confidence where I say to myself “fuck it, I can write this 10 page essay in one night, I know I can, it ain’t no thang”.--Cut to me crying at my computer while I try and format a bibliography at 5 in the morning the day it’s due.—That’s how it usually goes. Then I go on a bender and wake up three days later, naked, with an empty bottle of whiskey in my ass. Alas, we’ve all been there…
But after it’s all finished and I’ve pieced together a shitty essay, my relief allows me to feel as if procrastinating made me do better, as if the pressure made me thrive. This is a complete lie and I allow myself to be deluded by it until the next time I put off my work until the last minute.
I always think to myself “this time will be different, I’m going to start this early and put in a maximum effort”. But it never seems to work out that way. I fall into the same old habits, feeding into this viscous cycle:
Think about doing whatever it is I have to do, beat off, watch something on T.V, go to the computer to start work, get distracted by the internet, beat off, start actually working, get distracted by the internet, take a break, have a snack, beat off, have a nap, finally get to work, feel sleepy, consider suicide briefly, finish work.
I know I’m not alone in this behaviour; a recent poll I took of the three filthy old men sitting at this bar with me revealed that 2 out of 3 men masturbate after procrastinating some important activity (the other had his penis bitten off by a hooker in Guam). So there you go.
But there are those people who can organize themselves and plan out an activity so as to finish it on time and with minimum stress. They’re usually women or fastidious men who need regimented order in every activity they do. The non-procrastinator probably has a planner. Probably works out at the same time every day, and probably has posted an inspirational messages on their Facebook page at some point in time.
Fuck you non-procrastinator. If you’re reading this and are one of them, send me your address so I can come to your house and throw battery acid in your smug-satisfied little face. Who am I kidding I don’t have the kind of organizational skills it would take to pull that off. Carry on. I say good day to you.